𝓲𝓯𝓽𝓶 XXIX

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(im begging everyone to watch the lyrics video :') )

"Lucy.. Lucy!"

Chesca is panting beside me when I stopped striding. I can't help but clench my fists, in frustration... guilt.. sadness.. pain.

"Lucy, let's go back there okay? We can still fix it— shit you're crying."
Chesca pulled me into a hug. I buried my face on her shoulders letting the tears flow like a river. I felt her hand pat me on the back.

"I didn't do it... I didn't know. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry."

"Hush.. calm down, Luc."

Why did it all came to this? How can things be very fine yesterday then crumble today?

"Chesca I screwed everything up. I'm no good for Jed."

She pushed my shoulders to make me face her, then wiped my eyes with her handkerchief. She smiled, I can't help but tear up more knowing that when everything and everyone's against me, I still have Chesca.

"Don't say that, you're more than enough, Lucy. Truth is you're the best thing that happened to him, trust me.

But if you don't feel good anymore, and everything suffocates you, I suggest you two take a break."

The mere thought of Jed being away from me crushes my heart. To think that in the past 8 months I got to be with him, a dream I had since I was a kid. Why is everything going against me?

"Chesca..." but I should never be afraid of the odds, I should face it bravely, "please tell me about Jed's departure."

"I'm sorry Lucy, I don't think I'm in the place to tell you that, it's better if you and Jed talk it out, yeah?"

Jed? Talk? It suddenly sounded foreign to me.

"How am I going to face him? I ruined such beautiful chance for him."

"But it's not your fault, there must be mistakes in the registration, next time we will be more careful."

My frown deepened, I was so excited about this competition. I saw how they prepared and readied their everything for this and it took only a paper to ruin it all.

"I'm still part of it, Chesca... And Jed? Jed... I don't think he trusts me anymore, hell I—"

"Lucia."

My reflexes acted before I can think. I looked at Jed behind me. His face screams exhaustion. I felt Chesca tapping my shoulders before leaving.

I didn't move an inch, afraid one single motion will make me cry, and just straight up breakdown in front of him. The last thing I want to happen tonight is looking any more pitiful.

"Lucia, you're crying again."

4 words. It took me four words to explode, my knees wobbled that I had to lean on the tent beside me. I felt my tears racing down my cheeks as my shoulders shook in sobs. He stood there watching me.

"I'm so sorry."
Why is he sorry? Why is there anything for him to be sorry? It's me who fucked up. I am to apologise for everything. I'm at fault.

I felt him hug me.

It feels different. It feels like hugging an air, an air that is so suffocating. I felt my chest clutched an unknown pain. He feels so distant.

"Please... Tell me about everything I should know."
He let go of me, refusing to meet my eyes.

I felt him suddenly tensed up. He washed his face with his palms in frustration.

"It's my fault, I was reckless."

He looks restless. How can I brush that off? The past few days there were bags under his eyes, he tend to wake up later than usual. He clings on me more. Am I that useless of a girlfriend? Why didn't I took notice of it immediately?

"I told my mom that if I win this, I'm going to study in a music academy here."

My eyes widened...

"... and if I lose I will obey her."

He balled his fists.
"I don't want to go away. I will stay here. I will work my ass off if they cut my allowance. I will stay. I won't go."

"Jed..."

"I don't care about anything else, Lucia, I only care about you. I only need you. I will always choose you."

My heart shattered into pieces. His eyes were persistent, he looks like he's convinced and I can't say otherwise. My mind was clouded with different emotions, this is too much for me for a night.

However, one thing is among everything else. Guilt.

Am I worth it? We're still young. Jed is a very talented man, he can get everything he wants in the world. He's so much better than me. He got a lot of opportunities waiting ahead of him, who am I to interfere?

My mind raced back to that time Roseanne and I talked.

"How did you two ended up together?"
Roseanne fiddled with her phone. She looks uninterested but the eagerness of her voice says otherwise.

"He uhh confessed."

"Pfft, " she finally lifted her gaze from the phone. "seriously? Jed confessed? What witchcraft are you using give me some tips."

My lips quivered in annoyance.

"But really, he's not the type to suddenly confessed... perhaps you pushed yourself to him?"

Pushed myself? Did I?

"I liked him since we were kids."

"See? Gosh he must've felt pressured."
Roseanne sounds casual but it impaled my heart with a sharp knife that is her tongue.

Pressured? Come to think of it, everything between us are all of a sudden. Did I really push myself to him?

"You know what's better for you, Jed."
I kept my head tilted low, afraid that if I meet his eyes it will affect my decision.

"Of course, you're what's better for me, Lucia."

No...

"Jed let's not make it more complicated."

"What are... you talking about. We're fine. Everything's fine."

"Jed it's not!"
I faced him with my eyes full of tears. The moon illuminated in the dark, his face telling me to not speak furthermore.

"Jed, we're against your parents. Your future! Your future that I am holding back!"

His eyes became glassy.
"Lucia, you're my future."

Please don't say words like that... Don't make me change my mind.

"No Jed, at least not anymore."

His eyes widened in horror, I released a sob.

"No, what are you saying? You're tired? Let's go home, Lucia—" he trailed off seeing me not wavering. "Baby, no you're not doing this."

I wiped the tears running down my cheeks.

"Meet me again in the future and we'll see what will happen."

He caged me in a hug.
"Is this what you... really want?"

I took every last piece of me to hold myself from hugging him back. I simply nodded.

He held my cheeks, then gave me one swift kiss on the lips... Our first.. and our last.

After that, he brushed the hair covering my face for one last time...
"I loved you, love you, and I always will."

Those were the words he left me, before leaving the next day... with Roseanne.

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