Into Darkness

CHAPTER 4

I had no idea where to start. I could hear the birds chirping outside and knew the sun would be rising soon. I hadn't slept. I spent the night staring at the ceiling, trying to think about where Jax was, what he was doing, if he was safe. The truth was I couldn't begin to find him because I didn't know him. I didn't know if he had friends or family. I didn't know if he had a house, if there was a place he went when he wanted to be alone. I didn't know anything about him other than the fact that he annoyed the shit out of me, that he could make me laugh like no one else, and that my heart fucking fluttered every goddamn time I saw him. Maybe that wasn't love but fuck I knew in my bones that it had to be something.

I knew what I had to do. As much as I wanted nothing more than to shove the truth in Neo's face, he was the only hope I had of finding Jax before it was too late. After showering I made my way down to the bar, Chuck greeting me with his usual stoic smile.

"You look like shit."

"Good morning to you too, Chuck."

"You getting enough sleep?" I just shrugged, making him shake his head. He placed a cup of coffee in front of me and I smiled gratefully.

"Missed you, kid." I snapped my head up, but he wasn't looking at me. He carried on whatever he was doing like nothing happened. I shook my head but couldn't get the smile off my face.

"Missed you too, Chuck." He tried to hide the smile but I saw it before he could. I wanted to say more, but I was interrupted by a baby scream I knew all too well. Angel reached out to me from his place in Stas' arms and my heart felt warm. I hugged him tightly to my chest. Seeing him never failed to make me feel better, no matter what was going on in my head. I spent the rest of the day with him, trying to delay the conversation I knew I had to have with Neo. Stas picked him up from the clubhouse before her and Val left, leaving me alone again. Part of me felt a little awkward being around the guys after I had spent so much time avoiding them, but they made me feel right at home with a shot of Jack and too many cigarettes. It was too easy for me to fall back into old habits, but I swore to myself I wouldn't go back to the way I was before. Whenever someone offered me a drink I just thought of Angel. He was all I had left now and I wouldn't lose him over a drunken night I wouldn't even remember. I spotted Neo alone at the bar once again and knew that I had put this off for long enough already.

I sat next to him. Neither of us said anything, but he poured me a shot out of the bottle he was nursing.

"Look I know you think you understand what happened between me and him, but you don't and honestly, you don't need to. All you need to know is that I can't find him without your help and I will fucking find him if it's the last thing I do." He finally looked at me. He still didn't say anything, just nodded. Then he got up and walked away. I felt my shoulders slump in defeat, any hope I had of finding Jax before he got himself killed went out the window.

"We start looking now. You coming?" I got up from my seat at the bar and nodded. I could feel the tiniest sliver of hope bubble up inside me, but I squashed it as quickly as it came. The truth was that Jax could be dead, and if he was it was all my fault.

"I will do whatever I have to do to find him, understand? Your life is not my concern, not when his is on the line. You make everyone think that you can take care of yourself, now it's time to prove it."