Sasquatch to the Moon

24: I See You

ROCKET

Of all the people I expected to break down like that, Håkon wasn't one. He's always so put together. I mean, I've watched Steph fall to bits over and over, I've seen Steph pull into himself and refuse to move for hours. I've watched him hurt and I've watched him drink until he could smile again.

But, Håkon. Something about Håkon hurt me because I've been there too. To go through something like that at such a young age and have it change your whole personality is horrible.

For me to sit there and watch him fall apart all over again.

For me to sit there and have him tell me that the last two days have been the only time in his life where he felt wanted, needed, it hurt everything in me. 

It hurt me because I've been there, maybe not in the same ways, but in the same feelings. I've stood at the front of a classroom in Whitby Ontario, staring at a room full of kids my age, being told something and expected to answer in a language I didn't understand. I've spent years completely alone because of a language barrier. I watched from an ocean away as texts from my best friends became fewer and father between, I've watched them move on without me and thought that I was stuck in place. I've been in the same useless hopeless position he's spent twenty-five years in. It's all-consuming, that feeling. It hurts like hell to be nobody's first choice. It's a constant ache. It makes your chest tight when you see any group of friends anywhere. It makes you hurt and hurt and hurt until you're sure you can't feel anymore, just to break that expectation by making it ache even worse. 

In my undereducated opinion, being alone like that is worse than any heartbreak. It's fucking awful to be so painfully isolated that you don't even have a friend to share a joke with, much less a friend you can trust with your feelings. It hurts like all hell to see something funny and want to point it out but having nobody to point it out to. It stings to be passionate about something and not having anyone to share that passion with. 

It's the loneliness that will kill you. Slowly, god so slowly, like watching blood drip out of a wound. It's the heart-numbing burn of not even wanting to have a birthday party because you don't have anyone to invite. It's waking up to see people posting about what they did over the weekend without you. It's being asked by relatives if you're enjoying school and having to say yes when the answer is that it sucks the life out of you to a point of not even wanting to get out of bed to do homework. It's knowing  you'll be the kid that makes the group of three, knowing  you're going to be working alone on collaboration projects, knowing nobody thinks about you once you're out of their sight. It's being asked what your name is in your third year of school by someone you've known since day one. 

It's when it hurts so bad every single day that you don't even have the energy to fret about it anymore. It's when it's so common and normal that crying about it feels weird. 

So I hold his head on my shoulder and rock him from foot to foot, hoping my hug tells him that he matters to me. Maybe he didn't think he did earlier, but he matters right now. He can send me any joke he wants, ramble about anything he feels like, never worry about blowing up my phone or talking my ear off because I won't care as long as he's happy. He can be vulnerable and open with me because I'll always listen. I'll hug him as much as he wants and I'll try my damn hardest to make him feel like he matters. 

But I know what I have to do, and I feel awful about it because I know it's going to hurt him and I'm going to need him. If the only time he feels okay is when he's with me, but hates the part of him that likes me, it's going to rip him to shreds. It's going to make it worse.

"Breathe, shhh." I rub his back, feeling his muscles and ribs expand and contract with every inhale and exhale. "It's going to be okay." he nods against my neck and I bring my arm up to cradle his head. I kiss his hair, setting my mouth on the spot just above his ear. Sometimes it's the people that help everyone else that need it the most themselves.