FOREVER GRATEFUL

37

"Good human qualities-honesty, sincerity, a good heart-cannot be bought with money, nor can they be produced my machines, but only by the mind itself. We can call this the inner light, or God's blessing, or human quality. This is the essence of mankind."
– Dalai Lama

Bella's pov

Today is the day when I'll get married. It's my first and only marriage, and it's a court marriage. I'll be lying if I say that this isn't sad, Xander did ask me though, if I wanted a traditional wedding. But I refused obviously because the reason why I am doing this is not generally the reason people get married. I don't think I have anything left to celebrate other than my child.

I am going through therapy for now, because I am still not able make peace with the fact that Jacob is no longer with me. I know doing this therapy and having professional help will help me a lot.

I am strong, I know I am, but even strong people need that kind of support in order to continue being strong.

Mental health is very important, it's not something a person should ignore, people think they can get through things on their own, and it's true, but a person shouldn't go through things alone.

We are social beings, we are fortunate enough to share or discuss our feelings. Communication helps us in ways we don't understand.

I knew I am not in a right place right now, and it's okay because I have literally been through so much. Losing my father was bad enough, but losing Jacob broke me. Being bullied like that for things I didn't do suck, you can try to forget about it, but one is not able to.

That's why I knew that I needed professional help, and support as much as I can. I need to get better, I need my mental health to get better, I need to stop blaming or hurting myself for things I didn't do, I need to fight my thoughts and become stronger with this help, for my child.

I actually am grateful to have so many people supporting me throughout this tough time. It's nice to see that the world is also filled with nice people and not just the bad one's. It's nice to feel loved, and I am thankful for all of this.

What happened with Jacob was terrible, and he didn't deserve any of it.

But what happened, happened. I will have to find my closure.

Although I'll never forget about Jacob, I won't. I'll remember him each and every day till the moment I die, I'll love him in every moment of my life. But I know he wouldn't want me to be like this.

He would want me to be okay, to live my life to the fullest, for him and for my own self.

The past sessions I have had with my therapist have been great, I am able to come in terms with reality, I am able to find peace within my own self. I am able to find hope for me again.

People might judge me, according to their own intelligence. People might find it weird that I didn't go towards the direction of drugs and alcohol. I am not judging those who do that, absolutely not.

What I want people to understand is that everyone deals and copes with there pain in a different way.

Everyone faces some or the other difficulty in their life. Some accept and share what they are going through, and some don't. Some seek help from losing consciousness, and some by therapy.

But I don't think that Drugs and alcoholism is the answer for pain, it might seem like it, at first, but it's not.

Therapy is working for me, I am getting better because of it. I am able to sleep peacefully at night, I have started to let go of Jacob's belongings as it's not healthy for me to keep holding onto that.