The Truth. For I Have Lied.

More Random Thoughts.

Dec. 23, 2014. 10:16 p.m.

I have a dilemma. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I have to go to my Aunt June's house for our annual shindig. She's on my mom's side of the family, my grandpa's sister. She's pretty darned rich, and hosts this thing every year since practically forever. Before I can remember.

So I am at my granddad's house, well trailer, which doubles as a home for my sister and Mom. And I was actually pretty happy for all this to happen, since I really miss all my family here. But today I also had to see my mom's best friend, my 'godmother' (story for another time) as well as her daughter, Elizabeth.

Which I guess shouldn't be so bad, since I've always considered them family. But... This year has just been different. Normally I'm pumped for Christmas Eve, but today... God, I don't want to go. Never thought I'd  say that. For God's sake, thus year everything is different. I cut for the first time this year, and got caught. I dated a girl. I started this journal. I finally understood the depth of my mother and company's depravity. I drank, and smoked with them. I finally decided to confront my past. I decided that I'm going to turn my dad in one day. I talked to someone. I cut back on all my lying. I realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I decided that I'm not pretty. (I was indecisive for a while there.) I figured out how much people will lie in order to "help you". I realized that people cared about me, just not the ones I originally thought did, the ones who should. I understood that my mom doesn't love me, but she does care. I came to terms with the fact that I probably won't ever be able to see Adler again if its up to Maniana. I know that while my physical scars may fade, the mental ones last forever. I now know that I can't actually tell anyone all my thoughts, but I can spread out bits and pieces.

This year, I learned a lot. But I also lost a lot. I lost my innocence. I can no longer be sheltered by the fact that I am unexposed to all this shit. I lost my ignorance. My blissful, wonderful ignorance.

And so this year, I am expecting a total shitfest when it comes to family holidays.