Home Is With You(bxb)✔️

Chapter 31

Jacob's p.o.v

I am exhausted...

And my current gloomy and somber mood was caused by none other than the guy sitting right in front of me, Deshaun. Why in the world wouldn't you know the simplest thing in math, all you have to do is count. Either with your fingers or something else, maybe your toes if it gets too much, but just count.

I have to be at my job in an hour and here we still are in the corner of a small cafe discussing math problems, again. His head is buried inside his notebook as I watch him scribble with my hands crossed over my chest and dark circles under my eyes.

He's trying, he's working very hard towards the exams that will be starting the day after tomorrow and I truly admire that about him. The bully and class clown not too long ago is now a very intelligent student on the right track trying to graduate.

Now come to think of it, I haven't seen him with his other bully friends lately, I haven't seen Dean at all. Not ever since he ran out of the toilet after their fight a long time ago. Hopefully everything is okay with him, because he surely isn't at the hospital or the school would've informed us.

"You still don't get it?" I sneer for the millionth time waiting for an answer and he sits up with a curious look on his face as he fiddles the pen around between his two fingers.

"What" I snap squinting my eyes at him and he chuckles.

"I don't know" he shrugs squinting his eyes as well, "what's up with you."

"There's nothing up with me, now can we finish so I can leave?" I ask feeling agitated and exasperated because there's so many other stuff that I have to do.

"You've been huffing, groaning, telling me how I'm wasting your time and how slow I am when it comes to math since we came in here. I know I'm slow, but you ain't gotta make me feel bad about myself, damn. The Jake I know doesn't do that shit so what's up. You're being mean right now" he states leaning against his seat and I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"I'm not" I regretfully deny it and look away awkwardly. I haven't even realized that I was being mean, now I'm feeling extremely guilty because he has been nothing but nice to me since we came here.

"Yes, you are. Wanna talk about it?" he questions nicely and I open my mouth to say something, but absolutely nothing comes out.

"I just...." I start but stop abruptly when I realize that what I'm going through is rather too personal, "no, I don't."

The truth is, I haven't been taking my pills, like at all. I only stare at the bottle when I go to bed and throw it back into my nightstand. I haven't been myself since Arthur called and hung up leaving me with questions I don't even have answers to. I just don't feel the need to take them anymore and now I feel as if all of my hard work for the past three months have gone to waste, because of some guy that doesn't even care enough to come back to me.

After the phonecall, I sat down on the floor and stared into the corner of my room for almost an hour and then I went to bed and cried my eyes out. I even forgot that Dea came to visit until she came to my room to console me and I accidently snapped and told her that everything was her fault, which is a lie, but she didn't take it lightly.

We started arguing out of nowhere about the situation and I can remember myself saying something along the lines of, 'I shouldn't have listened to you because you've never had anyone anyway'. It all came sputtering out of my mouth out of anger and I tried to tell her that I never meant what I said, but the hurtful expression on her face said it all and it made me feel so culpable.

I haven't changed or become someone I'm not, but the constant feeling of everyone leaving and hating you might do that to you. So now instead of walking away by themselves, I unconsciously shove them into a dark corner as if they meant nothing in the first place and cry after. Maybe my father was right, being nice and a crybaby won't bring me anywhere. It's better to be feared instead, that way no one will dare to hurt me in any way. Now I'm lonely again. No best friend, just work and Deshaun to help with math.