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Review by Sunshine: Con Science, not Conscience

Title: Con Science, not Conscience

Author: aurum_autumn

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

 

Summary: 4/5

I love the way you succinctly explained the title of your story, especially considering how abstract and odd it is without any justification. I think it's a fantastic title, and a great introduction to the summary of your story. Additionally, you mention the goal – conning the country's richest man.

I do, however, wish I knew more. What exactly is her intended purpose? Why does she need to do it? What is this unique ability?

Otherwise, I'm very excited to start reading!

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your grammar and punctuation was very good! In fact, the only time I saw an error was when it came to dialogue.

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Get out." Remi says dismissively.

It should be:

"Get out," Remi says dismissively.

Similarly, if it's an action beat:

"I'm so hot," I grin.

That is incorrect. It should be:

"I'm so hot." I grin.

And finally, when you have the tag before the dialogue, there must be punctuation before the dialogue. For example:

In one fluid motion, I've stood up and am asking "Description?"

It should be:

In one fluid motion, I've stood up and am asking, "Description?"

And finally, be careful about the word 'grey' – since you use it quite a lot, considering Remi's eye colour. You tend to switch between using 'grey' and 'gray'. I don't mind which one you use, but make sure you keep it consistent. 

Characterisation: 4/5

I think the way you introduced Angel's character with the rather comedic story of her name. But I particularly love her gift – the way she's able to see sorrow over other people's head, and that becomes quite pivotal regarding who she is. In fact, the overall development in the story? Brilliant. I love the remorse she feels about Evangeline, and how she blamed herself for it for four years, but learns to let it go. No more running, no more crying – she realises she needs to protect what she already has.

As for Remi? His sarcasm will never get old. Obviously, I found him a little rude to begin with – dumping all his work on her when he saw she was efficient. But he does become more vulnerable, and so does Angel.

Overall, I really did like the humour and banter between them. Even in those really intimate moments, those little bounces of humour where she's like "he only smells good because he used my soap" is a lovely way to juxtapose the mood between scenes.

The only thing I have to critique here is that, often, there's a bit of a lack of cohesion when introducing characters. I'll speak more about that in the next section.

Writing Style: 3/5

I'll talk about one specific section of the book, because that part sums up most of what I have to say here. This part is the first part of your first chapter.

There was minimal description. When someone mentioned a wine glass, and a setting full of people, I was actually confused because there was minimal description leading into it and it was rather jarring to read. When Jay suddenly comes in and interrupts the boss, it was also disorientating because I had no idea where he had come from – I didn't know the layout of the room, the smells and sounds and visuals.

In other words, you need to slow down the pace sometimes to immerse your reader so they aren't completely confused. Description is a great tool for this – I encourage you to use it! 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I will never get over the irony of a criminal lawyer and a con artist falling in love. The way their lives intertwined was so lovely to see – the girl they've been missing for four years being the same person? A great twist. His sister, her best friend. It added a layer of intimacy to their relationship which I really enjoyed.

It was also great seeing that, in that pivotal moment where her character is beginning to develop, her crimes start catching up on her. And also, despite the fact that she is robbing money from people, she has a good justification that makes the reader feel sympathetic towards her and make her likeable as a protagonist anyways.

And I loved the way you wrapped up the story – she undoes everything she thinks she did wrong. She goes to adopt Lyra (sort of beaten by Remi, but she made it, nonetheless). The romance drama gets resolves in a nice, sweet way, where he apologises for hurting her. The angel pick-up line coming in was also a nice touch.

Overall, not much to say here except great work!

OVERALL SCORE: 19.5/25

First of all, congratulations on completing a novella for the Open Novella Contest! I know, firsthand, how difficult and pressuring that was – to develop characters, write a beginning, middle and end, and balance real world stuff within a few months. The fact that you finished a story and made it as engaging and cyclical as it was, with a wonderfula mount of character development? Great work!

I just encourage you to slow down your pace a little bit to immerse your reader, and work on your punctuation. I hope this review helps!