Chapter 9: Darkness wins

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What's a weird food combo that you eat?

I put hot sauce on everything.

Cucumbers and salt, I swear to god yall be sleeping on it.

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I think that it has finally hit me. Although it took a while, I might have just processed the fact that shes gone. She's really gone.
I have been suppressing the thought out of my head ever since I had arrived here but I can't do it anymore.
It's building up and taking too much fight out of me.

I guess I'm passed the first stage of grief: denial though I'm not sure I have it in me to deal with the next four.

When I awoke from my traumatic thoughts, I had this feeling inside of me. One that I had never felt before, I felt hollow and empty. The desire to get up and go on about my day didn't even occur. In simple words, I wanted to disappear.
Simply just evaporate into the air and become nothing other than a pure memory, just as she would soon be.

It's almost odd, I thought being so far from New York would give me the chance to deal with the pain better, I guess not.
You can't escape your nightmares.

When I heard the commotion at breakfast I didn't follow it, I heard everyone laughing and enjoying themselves downstairs but I didn't go and be a part of it.
I didn't want to be a part of it.

I lay there helplessly crying into my covers so much that they were soaked with tears and my face burned. My eyes were bloodshot and swollen. I didn't have the strength left in me.
I think part of it was my father going to Spain, he took my mind if things, when he was here it was like, at least I had one parent.

Now I'm more of an orphan.
God that sounds morbid.

I don't cry in front of people, not when I can help it. It felt good to let all of that pain disperse, even if it will all come back.

It had just gone 8pm, the day slowly passed me and the only thought going through my head was the fact that I had to keep feeling like this everyday for the rest of my life.
I would wake up, choose pain then go back to sleep and repeat that dreadful cycle.

Optimism wasn't looking like an apparent trait even though I knew I had it in me to get better- I had no motivation to.

There was a knock on my door, I didn't answer but they entered anyway.
"Hey man, I bought you ice cream." Adriano says handing it to me.

I looked at him, he had his hair tied up into a man bun and was wet with the rain.

I smile in my head at the cute gesture that he went out in the rain to get ice cream for me, it tugged on my heart.

I wanted to take it so I wouldn't feel bad for wasting his effort but I simply just shook my head. I didn't feel like eating.
I notice a frown grow on his face.

There was an immediate regret as soon as I declined him. I was too emotionally weak to act on that regret.

"Can you atleast hang out with us downstairs? You're missing the fun." He asks.

I shake my head and turn my body in the opposite direction.

I hear him sigh deeply and it annoyed me because I was the cause of it.
I hated that I was spoiling all the fun and all I could do was hope that they would understand.

"Sienna, you know we all love you right? You're not alone." He says before walking out.
"Come join us when you're ready, we miss you."

I thought all the tears had exited my body but apparently not, I let them take over as I cry myself into the pit that I had built in my darkness.

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