IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU

PART 1 - Chapter 1 - Worth It

JULY 2018

Camila stood at the Meet & Greet watching the other girls embracing the kids who had paid to see them. She tried to get their guests' attention but they ignored her, in fact one of them glared at her, and then they went off with the security guard. This was the second last of the M&Gs for this leg of the tour, and the previous fan visits didn't go off much better. The rumours that Camila wanted to leave the group had caused a lot of animosity amongst fans and they were punishing her for it. The next girl came in, she was young, probably about thirteen years old, Latino, with braces and glasses. She reminded Camila of herself at that age, and her heart hurt just thinking of this girl rejecting her. This was the sort of fan she wanted to inspire with her success. The other girls zeroed in her as soon as she walked in, hugging her and telling her she was so pretty and asking her name. She looked over her shoulder and saw Camila looking forlorn on the outskirts of their little hug circle.

"Hi Camila," she smiled, shyly. Camila walked over and the girl pulled away from the others and threw herself into Camila's arms, hugging her tight. "I love you so much!" She hugged the little girl back. She said her name was Tess. As Camila squeezed her and kissed her cheek she whispered in Camila's ear.

"Why are they being so mean to you? They are like the bullies at school, who leave me out of things and say bad things about me behind my back."

Camila felt her heart break. On one hand, it was validating to hear that it wasn't just in her mind, they really were being mean to her. On the other, she was sad that it was obvious to her fans and upset them. Tess kissed her cheek and stepped back.

"I love you so much Camila," she said loudly. "You are amazing!" She took a selfie with Tess and then the girl walked over to the other group members. She hugged each of them in turn and thanked them, but she didn't ask for a selfie, then she left. There was a heap of whispering after she walked out and Camila felt the ball of anger she carried in her gut these days roll around and grow a little bigger. They were bitching, not just about her, but about a little girl with more class in her little finger than they had in their whole body. She was so over this.

The concert went well, and Camila got through it. When did doing the one thing she loved more than anything in the world become something to "get through"? Every time she sang the lead on a song she felt their animosity, not that she was given lead on any of the songs on the new album. She sang and smiled but the music didn't touch her, it all sounded the same to her, and she could see there was a disconnect with the audience. She waved and smiled to them but half of them glared at her and the other half of them looked sad or disinterested. For an album that had been out for two months, hardly anyone seemed to know the words. She thought of Shawn's concerts, and Taylor's, and Ed's, and even the group's previous tour of the last album, where everyone sang at the top of their voices. She also noticed all the empty seats. The theatre was only about two thirds full, and it had been like this all the way through, some even worse.

They didn't speak to her on the way back to the hotel and she went to her room on her own, glad to be away from the toxic atmosphere. She had once been so close to these girls, they had been like sisters to her, but now she felt like she was in a bad High School movie where they were the popular girls and she was the outcast. She climbed into bed and rang her Mom. Usually, she would be there with her, but there were things to do at home. She missed her, but she kept upbeat because she knew her Mom would worry. When she finished, her hand hovered over the little blue bird icon. Should she go on Twitter? She knew without a doubt she would read a lot of bad stuff, so she didn't. She opened her messages and started typing. What she needed right now was a friend.

          Hey where you at?

In Toronto, in my condo. Flew in from Prince Edward Island this morning. What about you?