Are you okay?

00:03AM

I didn't want to go to sleep tonight.

Sleep used to be an escape once. It used to be the only time I wasn't constantly reminded of my problems. I used to sleep not even because I was tired, but because I was too drained from being left alone inside of my head all day.

Sleeping was, in a morbid way, a temporary way to die. It was like a free holiday to heaven; a transient return ticket as to what a taste of peace could be like.

But then the dreams turned into nightmares, and sleep didn't help me feel peace like it used to. Sometimes, sleeping was worse than being awake.

I sighed, leaning my head against the cool glass of the train window as I pulled out my phone, searching for someone who could help me escape my thoughts for a while. My thumb hovered over his name, about to press call when the small nagging voice in the corner of my mind reminded me that I was probably just bothering him. I should probably just play music instead.

I reevaluated my decision, about to open up Spotify when I received an incoming call from the person himself.

"It's currently 10 to midnight and you still haven't called," Theo observed, an all-knowing tone to his voice, "Is something wrong Cassie?"

I didn't blame him for wondering; I'd usually call him every night from about 10pm, and we'd talk into the early hours of the night, but this week I hadn't really been in the mood, unable to do anything really without dwelling over every single outcome. "No, no... nothing's wrong," I answered quickly, too quickly, something that wouldn't go unnoticed by Theo unless I steered the topic away from my wellbeing. "I'm just out as usual, that's all."

He paused, sighing as he accepted my answer. "Whereabouts are you tonight then CJ?"

"Umm..." I pondered over Theo's question, looking up at the map of the tube printed out above the train seats as I tried to figure out where in London I had ended up at. "I don't actually know..."

I never had a planned destination on my daily night-time excursions, the main purpose simply to hop on a train and see where it would take me. I don't know when I had even started, but for what felt like forever I had been leaving my house and spending the night wherever and however I fancied.

Some nights I'd find a high-rise building - since most almost always had rooftop ladders around the back - and climb to the top, capturing a view of the passing city-life before me. Or if I was in a quieter town on a clear night I'd find an empty space and lie down, watching the stars as I let the world pass me by for a few hours.

On my favourite nights, the perfect nights, I'd have the best of both: sitting on the rooftop of a high rise building with millions of stars scattered across the sky accompanied by a picturesque view of the city skyline; famous buildings like the London Eye, the Shard, Big Ben and Tower Bridge standing as silhouettes against the warm glow of streetlights. Views like that almost made life worth living.

Almost.

I wasn't really afraid of heights; I loved looking at views from rooftops, admiring the busy city life as I watched the repeating cycle of vehicles and pedestrians passing by. Rather, I was afraid of falling. Falling unexpectedly, one small movement away from dropping endlessly into the unknown.

The unknown was full of all our deepest darkest fears and anxieties, taunting us by making us feel secure before eradicating everything we thought we'd always have. That's why I was petrified of falling; one slip away and everything that I thought was stable would crash and obliterate into a million tiny shards that the people around me would be forced to pick up, whether they even wanted to or not.

Once the night drew to a close and morning awoke then I'd turn on my location, search where the nearest train station was and find a train that would take me back to where I lived, just outside of London. One night I'd ended up in a random town in the middle of Wales, somehow luckily managing to get back during the early hours of the morning and sneaking in unnoticed. 

"When am I going to be allowed to come on your night train rides CJ?" Theo asked through the phone, bringing up the same argument for the thousandth time. "You call me throughout the whole night anyway – well, you used to - so I may as well be there!" As much as I wouldn't mind if Theo were to join me, I have a feeling he would strongly disagree to my plans for tonight, so he would receive the other reason: the usual one I gave him every time.

"I like being alone, just not lonely."

"I know, I know, but I'm just- I'm worried about you Cassie. You're not your usual self at school; you barely even speak and when you do it's always a rehearsed answer, or the shortest sentence possible."

"I've just been really tired this week, that's all," I replied as convincingly as I could, "Surely you know how it feels to have a week when it's impossible to function because you haven't slept?" Our common incapability to fall asleep was the main reason me and Theo's friendship was so strong, although lately it didn't feel like it was.