Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 5 Episode 96: The Wrong Crowd

Fade in on the underground cave

Sarge: And then Donut will use all our grenades to bombard the base, while we move forward in an advanced cover-fire formation.

Grif: Got it. And nobody hurts Sister. That's my job.

Simmons: Why does Donut get to stay on the sidelines?

Sarge: Because, he's got a great arm. Heh, he coulda gone pro.

Donut: It comes from years of tossing.

Sarge: And as discussed, in the event that we are cornered and no other options exist, Donut will make sure to save at least four grenades, one for each of you. And two for Grif.

Donut: Anyone have a preference of Frag or Sticky? Tell me now, I don't want any complaining later on.

Simmons: Frag, no wait Sticky.

Grif: Surprise me.

Simmons: I'm gonna change back to Frag.

Donut: Hey Sarge, have you thought about calling for reinforcements? Like when we called for the ship.

Grif: You mean the ship that crushed you while bringing more blue soldiers? Yeah maybe we shouldn't do that.

Sarge: It's worth a shot. They owe us one now.

Radio sounds, and as Sarge speaks there's an echo in the cave

Sarge: Come in Command. Are you there? Vic, are you there? Come in! Is this thing on?

Simmons: Does anybody hear that echo?

Donut: Yeah, we're in a cave Simmons. Caves echo. Duh. That's how bats navigate.

Simmons: No, it seems like it's coming from back the way we came.

Grif: Did you say bats, what bats? Were you talking about bats?

Donut: Um, just, bats in general.

Grif: Don't bullshit me dude, I heard bats.

Vic: Hehehey, roho amigo. What's goin' awn?

Sarge: Vic, we need help! The Blues have executed a brilliant plan, and it looks like we've fallen for it perfectly. No doubt they're celebrating at our very own base as we speak.

Cut to Red Base, where Tex is celebrating by threatening Church's life. She's so cheerful

Tex: Don't move.

Tucker: Ooh, busted! Kill him Tex, I've got fifty-to-one odds if his next death is caused by anyone but Caboose.

Back to Sarge

Sarge: We're going to die if we don't get some help over here Vic.

Vic: Uh hey dude it's Vic Junior. We already covered that.

Sarge: Hrr, Vic Junior. We're going to die if we don't get some help over here.

Vic: Okay dude, calm down, take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill take one of those chill strips, you put it on your tongue it dissolves, chill. I'll try to help, but someone's been here monkeying with my equipment. Just give me a second and I'll- oh, no oh man, I gotta go bye, try to win.

Sarge: Hello? I don't hear any hold music. Please don't transfer me to India. Hello?

Cut to another part of the cave, with Sarge's words echoing in it

Sarge: Vic Junior. We're going to die if we don't get some help over here.

Vic: Okay dude, calm down, take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill take one of those chill strips, you put it on your tongue it dissolves, chill. I'll try to help, but someone's been here monkeying with my equipment. Just give me a second and I'll-

Simmons: Hello? Hello. Who's there?

Vic: Oh, no oh man, I gotta go bye, try to win.

Simmons: Who's talking down here? Hello?

Sarge: Oh, yes I'm still here Vic. We need help!

Simmons: Sarge?

Sarge: Simmons, is that you?

Simmons: Yyyes?

Sarge: What the- do you work at Command now? When were you promoted?

Simmons: I don't work at Command, you called me here. It looks like this monitoring equipment is interfering with our radios. Or something.

Sarge: Diabolical. Well get yer keester back here. Red Command is useless.

Grif: There's a newsflash.

Sarge: Shut up Grif.

Grif: Did that order come from Command?

Sarge: In fact it did. And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!

On the screen Simmons is watching, Sarge runs across and beats on Grif

Simmons: I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.

The screen changes to Red Base, which we slickly switch to

Church: Tex I am not O'Malley.

Tex: Bullshit. It all makes sense now. You were the one that told Gary where we were, you were the one that wanted me to disable Sheila by moving her to the ship, and you wanted the ignition coil once I'd removed it.

Church: That's all coincidental. It doesn't make me evil. Just makes me a bad leader.

Tex: Why would Caboose tell me it was you?

Church: You're getting information from Caboose.

Caboose: (over the radio) Thaaat's right.

Church: Dude, I'll tell you what. If you get me killed again, I gotta tell ya, this time I'm gonna be a little pissed.

Caboose: Sheila told me that O'Malley might be inside Blue Leader.

Tex: And that's you.

Church: Sheila's crazy, remember? Besides I was never officially promoted to Blue Leader anyway. That's... Oh no.

Cut to Doc and Sister back in their cave

Doc: So that's how you got here Lopez? What a strange, yet totally believable story.

Lopez: ¿Quién es la gringo?

Caption: Who's that guy?

The camera pans left to reveal someone in blue with a teal alien

Blue Soldier: Hi there. I don't think we've met. I'm captain Butch Flowers. And this, is my friend.

Sister: Hi nice to meet you! Hey, wait, wasn't I sent here to replace you?

Junior: Honnnk?

Caption: <Huuuh?>

Flowers: Hey there little guy. I've been waiting a very, very long time to meet you. Muhuhuhuha, muhohohoho, muahahahahaaa.