Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

23 April, 1978 - Secret

*

They finished eating in silence and as they stood to go, the brief, fragile happiness seemed to evaporate. Lavinia could feel her hands shaking and kept them busy playing with the edges of her sleeves, knowing what had to happen next and hating it. Hating also that she had ever let it get this bad so the confession she had to make wasn't a simple "I thought about it" or even "I did it once" but rather ad admission of a year and a half of uncontrolled self hatred.

Now faced with imminent conversation, with Sirius leading her up the steps to the Entrance Hall and out onto the grounds, she realized she didn't have the faintest idea what to say. She didn't know how to explain what she'd done or why. Somehow words as simple as 'I hurt myself,' though true, didn't seem to do justice to the chaotic pain of her late nights. But then, she also couldn't decide if she wanted to do them justice. She didn't know how to tell him all the spiraling thoughts she'd gotten trapped in. She didn't know how to tell him the strange mix of guilt and shame and relief that passed through her when she felt the press of cold steel turn into the heat of her blood. She didn't know how to tell him what hell felt like. And she didn't think he wanted to know.

They were down by the lake, well away from the few other students who had braved the damp ground and air when Sirius finally spoke. "So," he said, sounding exactly as awkward as Lavinia felt. "You said we needed to talk."

Lavinia nodded, her heart in her throat and her mouth seemingly unable to form the words and for a long moment there was silence until Sirius, apparently understanding that she wasn't about to speak, sighed. "I'm not going to force you to say anything, Vin," he informed her. "You need to tell me this on your own."

Lavinia stared at the ground in front of her as they continued slowly around the lake as though taking the long way to Hogsmeade. After a little while, she took a deep breath and forced herself to say the words. Because he deserved to know. Despite her fear and the panic rapidly coiling in her stomach, he deserved to know. He had been there for her at some of her lowest points and now... now she owed him the truth.

"I've been..." She trailed off as her voice caught in her throat and she swallowed, closing her eyes briefly. It felt so wrong to say this under the afternoon sun, like she was ruining a perfectly good day by speaking about awful things she'd done in the safety of darkness. But she had to. Now that she was on the brink of it, she had to let go of this secret that had been eating her alive for more than a year, yanking and tearing at her inside and forcing her to curl in on herself just to keep it.

So she breathed deeply again and started over. "I've been hurting myself," she said, forcing her voice calm. The words hung in the air, silence wrapping around them until they dropped, too heavy for the spring day to hold.

It was a long moment before Sirius responded and Lavinia couldn't bring herself to look at him. She didn't want to see what she could only assume would be anger. Anger that she'd hurt herself despite his patient support. Anger that she hadn't told him sooner. Anger that she was telling him now when everything had almost been better.

But his response was calm and soft and surprised her more than she would have liked to say. "I guessed," he admitted. "Over break. That night we went on a walk up the hill, I saw your potions knife in your suitcase, but you didn't have your kit with you."

Lavinia glanced at him. He was staring straight ahead, his face holding in the still lines of a person forcing themselves not to show anything. It didn't surprise her that he'd guessed. He'd grabbed her arm instead of her wrist that one night and she had wondered. It surprised her that he didn't sound angry. Not in the slightest. But he also wasn't done talking.

"I don't know why I didn't bring up," he continued, shaking his head. "I don't know why I didn't say something." There was silence again for a moment and Lavinia had no idea how to fill it. He sounded guilty, like he blamed himself for not asking her about his suspicions. But the very idea of that seemed ridiculous to her. And yet, despite how insane it seemed, the next words out of his mouth were: "I'm sorry."