Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

23 April, 1978 - Admissions

The inevitable conversation with the other Marauders was one of the most awkward times Lavinia had ever endured. But she made herself do it all the same. They had stood by her and been there for her for a long time now and it seemed to her that honesty was the least she could do for them. She also couldn't help but feel that if they all knew it might keep her from hurting herself more simply because she didn't want to disappoint them. And while she knew that at the end of the day, that was probably not the best reason to stop, she would take it for now.

Their reactions when she told them that night were fascinating to her. Sirius had been comforting and supportive to the point of making her wonder if he perhaps should have condemned her at least a little bit for doing something so terribly awful. James, in his typical fashion, was blunt. He told her that he hoped she would stop, that he was sorry she'd ever been driven to it in the first place and that if she needed help, he would gladly offer it. His response lasted perhaps thirty seconds and it was very to the point. Peter, in contrast, didn't seem to know how to respond. He was shaky and seemed scared by the very idea of self harm. He was strangely silent until the end of the night, when he gave her a hug - a rarity from him - and told her he hoped she felt better soon. And Remus was quiet and gentle and said almost nothing, which Lavinia thought was slightly strange. She'd expected him to be more like Sirius, but instead he watched her quietly until the end of the night.

Peter had just broken away from her, looking rather nervous and worried for all that she assured him she appreciated his well-wishes, when Remus finally spoke up.

"Can I walk you down tonight?" he asked, watching her with his usual quiet intensity.

Lavinia started slightly, surprised by the offer and glanced at Sirius, who shrugged, though he looked slightly put out. "I guess, yeah," Lavinia agreed, sending Sirius an almost apologetic expression. "I'll see you tomorrow," she told him and gave him a quick hug before she left with Remus, wondering what on Earth this was all about.

They were silent for a long while as they wound down and through hallways to accommodate the changing staircases. Lavinia didn't really know if she was supposed to be saying something, but it was Remus who had offered to walk her so she figured she would let him start the conversation.

And he did after perhaps five minutes of chasing a particularly annoying staircase on the fourth floor which did not seem to want to be walked on. "I know it's not the same," he started as they finally started down towards the level below. "And I'm not trying to say I understand exactly what you've gone through or what drove you to it. But I wanted to offer you my experience. I think, in some ways, I get what you may have felt."

Lavinia looked his way, her lips parting slightly, trying to figure out what he was getting at. She hadn't expected something like this, although the tone of his voice was the gentle, soft assurance she always associated with Remus.

"I didn't have a choice about the scars I gave myself," he continued and Lavinia suddenly remembered the night in the hospital wing when she'd sat on Remus's bed. Why do we do this to ourselves, she'd asked. And then reminded herself he didn't get to choose. "And I know," Remus was saying, "That that makes it completely different. But there were nights when I thought it was good that I'd hurt myself. My first few years at Hogwarts, before James and Sirius and Peter knew and there was no one to stop me when I transformed, I didn't mind the wounds as much as I should have."

He paused, but Lavinia didn't say anything, something telling her that he wasn't finished. She could hardly believe he was telling her this. It seemed terribly personal and though she knew they were friends, she'd somehow never thought they would trust her like this. Though she supposed she had trusted them like that, so maybe it evened out.