( 5 YEARS AFTER )
THIS MORNING EVERY food was cardboard. no amount of chewing made it possible to swallow. his mouth was drier than a sandbox in summer. if one of them doesn't call soon he was going to be sick.
jeongguk used to call him after every mission since he was sent overseas, never saying anything special. he asks him to tell him about life back here, dull though it is. when he finished he sometimes asks him to say it all over again, but slower, like he's savouring the words. he can never hang up either, jin has to be the one to do that. his mission was over yesterday and the only sound in the house is his damn grandfather clock, ticking away, marking the seconds.
each passing moment only leads to the next, taking him away from the allotted time for his call. the phone has rung five times since he started this vigil, every time it's a sales call or the bank offering me a new great rate. every time his heart beats fit to burst at the shrill ring, only for the tears to fall when he hears the wrong voice.
"appa! appa!" his five year old daughter comes running and jumps onto his lap. "i missed you" she coos as she hugs her dad tight. jin wipes away his tears, atleast his daughter missed him. no one else did. "do you know what we read today? teacher taught us about behaving properly with elders." she began talking as her eyes lit up like stars on bright night sky.
he found himself thinking about bangtan. today was a special day. three years before, on this day, they would have called each other and relive their past days. but unlike those past three years, this year was as gloomy as the summer sun.
they say the pain dulls with time, and that things will get better. but how can things be better when the reason the pain isn't as bad anymore, is because he has forgotten? over time, the memory of bangtan's presence has escaped his mind. he no longer sees his dongsaeng's faces in strangers, and the things they once shared no longer bring tears to his eyes. if getting past the pain means forgetting bangtan, then jin would surely choose to suffer his entire life.
"appa!! you aren't listening" his daughter frowned as he gave her a warm, painful laugh. "change up baby, let's eat first, okay?" he says as he softly kissed the crown of her head. she nods her head as she runs into her room. jin smiles, until tears come to his eyes. three years ago, this day too, all of bangtan went with him when he adopted his daughter. he looks over the table, to find a photo of him.
he clasps the photo of the last time he saw him, tears gathering behind his eyes. he was smiling. why not? they got free popcorn that time, it was the best friendly date ever. the only date he has ever actually seen him have fun. he briskly wipes the tears from his eyes, the memory still fresh in his mind. he wishes he was here so that he could comfort him.
he makes his way to the bathroom, runs inside and takes deep breaths as he leans his head on the mirror with his hand for support and hot tears start to stream down his cheeks. his eyes were bloodshot.
he sniffs in, and wipes his tears, repeatedly washes his face, so that his daughter wouldn't ask what was up with her dad. he makes his way out of the bathroom putting in a facade, as he started making food for his daughter. the only time he was smiling genuine, and was happy was with his daughter. because she reminded him of what bangtan was, seven years ago.
he missed bangtan.
he missed namjoon.
jin never got the chance to say namjoon he has been in love with him for ten years.
