Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

17 May, 1978 - Honesty

Sirius didn't tell Lavinia how he felt that night. Or the next. Or the night after that. The words kept getting stuck at the tip of his tongue and he didn't know how to make them come out. He kept remembering that night on the bell towers when he'd come so close to kissing her. So close to telling, or showing, her how he felt. And he knew she'd seen it, knew she'd understood what was about to happen. And he had watched her run from it.

So he'd settled for an apology and vague excuse of dealing with a personal matter. Which wasn't a lie at all. It had been a personal matter that had kept him away. He'd just neglected to mention that the personal matter was her.

But she didn't push it. And he tried not to be awkward. Mostly, he tried to pretend he'd never heard that conversation, that it had been a weird dream or something. Not real. Because the idea that Lavinia and his own brother had ever had anything together was just so painfully weird, he couldn't bring himself to think about it without getting mired down in too many emotions to count.

But it kept nagging him. The way they'd been so comfortable together. The softness of her voice and her actions and everything. He kept comparing the way she'd leaned against Regulus to the way she sometimes tipped her head on his shoulder when they were in the Room of Requirement late at night, wondering if she meant the same thing by it. He kept replaying the aching, yearning tone in her voice when she'd said those words. I love you. Just as he'd been walking away. And every time, it sent a dagger through his heart and he felt some piece of himself curl up and away, trying to keep from getting hurt, trying to stay away from her to stop the pain.

But he also kept seeing the flashes of hurt in her eyes when he looked away, the strange looks she sent him as he bid her a brief goodnight and turned away. And he hated himself for it, hated the block in his throat that kept stopping him from explaining himself, hated the worry he knew he was causing her and hated the half understanding, half annoyed looks Remus gave him whenever he inched away from Lavinia's touch on the couch.

So, almost a week after the initial incident, he did finally bring it up again. He knew he needed to clear the air, at least slightly. He needed to make some measure of peace with this because he hated that his defense of himself kept hurting Lavinia and whether or not she loved someone else, loved his brother of all people, it didn't change that he loved her. And he didn't want to see her hurt.

Not that he was ready to explain just why he'd been so bothered by the incident. And he didn't think Lavinia was ready to hear why, no matter what Remus said. His friend was perceptive and intelligent about such things, but he hadn't been there that night. He hadn't seen the fear in Lavinia's eyes. Hadn't watched her understand and reject even the possibility. Sirius had. And he wasn't going to put her on the spot like that again. Not until she was ready.

That said, he did have questions, some because he was curious and some in the hopes of soothing his heart over the matter. And he hoped she'd be willing to answer. Hoped he could get some measure of closure out of this.

So, on the following Wednesday evening as he was walking her down to the dungeons, he brought it up, cursing how awkward he'd made this by waiting. Cursing how foolish he'd been to think he could hold everything to himself when that was exactly what he kept trying to get Lavinia to stop doing.

He was so nervous about it that they were already down on the fourth floor by the time he managed to get himself to actually speak. But then, he supposed, it was better than nothing.

"So," he started, inwardly cringing at himself. "I wanted to ask you something. Slash tell you something. I... Oh man this is awkward," he muttered.

Lavinia was looking at him sideways with mixed apprehension and amusement on her face and he could only imagine what she must be thinking right now. Or where she thought he was going with this. So he hurried on, hoping to stop freaking her out. Which, judging by the look on her face, he was a bit.