Just This Much

04: Sink

The breakup was like an ocean, and she was a helpless sinking ship in the middle of it. It was slowly drowning her with strong currents of realizations and waves of anxiety. Once she finally reached the deepest part, she became one with it. She became a shipwreck that is numb of the cold and empty darkness.

She considered one of those realizations as the biggest mistake she ever made in her life. The breakup made her fully aware that all along, she was doing everything to change herself solely for him. She worked hard to gain confidence for him. 

She practiced day and night, called various dance instructors and producers to improve her craft, just so she could fool herself that she's worthy enough to be with him. She would dress with the same brand of clothes, shoes and accessories as him and had grown to like them as well—because of him.

These were no one's fault but hers, because all of it was her choice. It was her mind that dictated that she should be better for Ahn Ki-Ryeong. It was her mantra for almost three years, and it became the reason why she felt so lost right now.

He's gone. What is she supposed to do next?

She did everything to be the perfect girl for him, but he still fell out of love. Isn't that another proof of how unworthy she is? Even after all the hard work and sacrifices, the person she loves the most in this world still turned a blind eye, and abandoned her when he deemed her unimportant.

"You need to eat, Lilac," she heard Seo-mi try to convince her for the third time. "You haven't eaten anything all day—no, since yesterday! Are you trying to starve yourself to death?"

She slowly sat up as she tried fixing her hair with her fingers, but she knew she still looks like a mess.

"Okay," she finally agreed, causing the eldest to sigh in relief. She can't let the girls worry anymore.

She followed Seo-mi out, and towards the dining area where Rei and Jada are already waiting. The two gave her tight-lipped smiles which she returned with a, hopefully, real-looking one. She sat down beside Rei and the girl instantly put a piece of meat on top of her rice bowl.

"Let's eat!" Jada happily announced.

Lilac ate slowly, ridding her mind of any negative thought just so she could fake her way through the dinner. The three were talking about something funny—she guessed, based on Seo-mi's gestures and Jada's chuckles—but she wasn't able to listen. She was too focused on her meal so in no time, she emptied her bowl.

"You want more, Li? Here, you should—"

"No. I'm full, Jade. Thank you," she immediately interrupted the other, before standing up to pour herself a glass of water on the kitchen counter.

That's when she saw it; a full-length mirror leaning against the kitchen wall.

"Jade is cleaning her room so she put the mirror there for a while," Rei explained, the girl probably caught her staring at the fancy mirror.

But she heard none of it.

Of course, Kio doesn't love you anymore. Why would he still love someone so ugly? Look at yourself Lilac. Look how hideous you are. You had the nerve to still eat? Go on, eat to your heart's content and get fat, so people will stop saying how unhealthy you look. So the media will stop writing those articles saying you have eating disorders, or you chose to starve yourself to fit the standards.

That would be great, right? No, no, no... what if Kio comes back? What if he asks to get back with me again? He won't recognize me if I get fat. No, I should stay this way. I can't eat too much, no... no!

"Lilac!"

Everything happened so suddenly. She ran towards the kitchen sink before vomiting everything she just ate. The pain in her stomach worsened and her throat felt like it was being scratched repeatedly.