Remembering Us

"If You Love Her, Let Her Go"

Last night was long and restless. Memories were overwhelming as I was tossing and turning through the night.

Today, I've locked myself in the office. It's a quarter past noon when Amelia walks in with a frown.

"Xander is here." She walks in, closing the door behind her. "He doesn't seem angry, but not a man that's won back the love of his life."

"Where is he?" I ask, putting aside the plans for our new Paris location before standing.

"He went to his room." She grips my arm as I walk past her. "He said he was fine but..." Her sentence trails off and she shrugs.

"I'll check on him." I mutter, swiftly kissing her forehead as I walk out of the room, heading toward the stairs.

The winding staircase leads me to our upstairs hallway, Xander's room being the first in the left. When I get to the door, I knock.

"Come in." Xander calls from inside and I open the door to see him standing there, a handful of darts in one hand, a single blue one in the other.

My mind takes me back to only the second day of his adoption.

"What are these?" Xander asks, picking up a red dart that were sitting on the small table near the basement couch.

I set the box I was carrying down in the basements storage room before answering.

"Darts." I tell him, grabbing a different one from the table and using it to point to the board a few feet away. "You throw them into the board, each spot gives you different points but the center gets you the most." I flick the dart from between my fingers and, because we're so close, it easily hits dead center.

"Woah." The ten year old breathes looking up at me. "Can."  He stops with a frown, looking form the dart to the board to me. "Can I try?"

"Yes," I respond with a soft smile. "But they're very sharp so I only want you playing with them when your brother and sister aren't near."

"Okay." He nods quickly, fumbling with the dart causing me to grab another one.

"Like this." I crouch down, level with him, holding the dart correctly between my fingers. "Good." I mutter, watching as he grips the dart the way I showed him. "Now just." My words trail off as I flick my wrist, the dart again hitting the center.

Squinting his eyes and biting his tongue, Xander mimics my movements and the dart sticks into the wall a few inches from the board.

My chuckle dies in my throat when I see the look of utter panic on Xander's face.

"It was an accident." He mutters weakly, stepping back when I kneel to his level. "I won't touch them again, I promise."

"Xander." I say, trying to keep my voice soft. "It's okay, you're learning." I hand him another dart. "I can't tell you how many times I threw a dart into the wall. Your grandpa-"

My words stop when I realize what I've said. "I mean,"

"You're not mad?" He questions quietly, his head tipping up in curiosity.

"Of course not." I kneel to his level. "If I start see dart holes on all the walls, I will..." I pause considering my words, I don't want to scare him again. "Be frustrated, and you will be grounded from playing with the darts."

I nods solemnly before raising his hand to throw the next dart. When he does, it hits the wall, this time right at the edge of the board.

"Good job!" I smile at him as I stand. "Much closer."

"But it still hit the wall." He reaches for the dart I'm holding out.

"But it's almost to the board." I assure him, angling his body back to the board.
-
"Mom!" Xander shouts, surprising me, twenty minutes later. "Dad is teaching me to play darts." Xander's eye-widen at the realization of what's he's said.

He smiles back at me when I don't fight my grin.

Our little bible pops when Amelia speaks. "Xander, sweetheart..." I turn to look at her over the back of the couch, her eyes plead with me for help on letting the kid down gently. When I don't say anything she speaks again. "You know I love you very much, but I haven't adopted you. You guys probably shouldn't call me mom." She says very gently, as to not hurt the young boy.

"I think it's fine." I tell Xander before looking back to a frowning Amelia. My fists clench when he ask how that will work when I married.

"A bridge we'll cross when we get there."

"Let's not make a bridge." She insists and I can feel a scowl making its way into my face.

"These children need a mother and I won't be marrying anytime soon, so..."

"Okay." She mutters and I'm about to apologize for being so insistent when I see her smile at Xander.

She'll make a wonderful mother.

"Dad." Xander's voice snaps me back into the present. "Where'd you go?" He laughs, shaking his hand to show me the dart he's offering.

"I was thinking about the first time you called me dad." I tell him honestly which causes him to start laughing.

"I put so many holes in the wall that day."

"You called me dad."

"Yeah." He smiles, motioning to the dart to remind me I have it. When I throw it, I look at him. His smile slowly dims before becoming forced and then he shrugs. "I apologized, she said she forgave me but that she couldn't... that she couldn't... Dad, I fucked up."

"Xander." The breaking of his voice makes me pull him to me. "It's okay."

"She said she couldn't be around me, that it hurts her too much."

"Just give her a few days, Xander." I pull back, leaving a hand on his shoulder. "There's a lot of pain to get through before you guys can restart."

With fervor, he starts shaking his head. "Sometimes it's best to let people go." He says, softly. His eyes wandering to the faded, crumpled photo from their prom night that hangs on the dart board. "I just have to keep telling myself 'if you love her, let her go.'"

"Xander, letting her go will destroy you."

"And, if I keep pulling her in, I'll destroy her."

***

So I wrote this chapter awhile ago but it didn't save and I haven't had to rewrite it until now..

Xander and Audrey's book will be called "Guard Me"!