Cry Until You Bleed

15- Returns

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“Ana, how are you feeling today?” Nurse Sophie asks me the next day, on Tuesday, as I’m coming back from my therapy session with Dr. Lombardi.

I offer her a small smile as I start to make my way toward the book shelf. It’s really nice outside today so I think that I’ll read my book outside. I’m about half way through it now so I think that I’ll get it done soon considering I have absolutely nothing else to do with my days other than eat, talk to doctors, and read. “Oh, I’m top notch, thanks for asking.”

“We’re having a movie night tonight in here. You should come hang out. There’s going to be popcorn,” She tells me with a chirpy smile.

“Thanks, I’ll think about it,” I assure her but it’s mostly a lie because I won’t be thinking about it. I know that she’s only inviting me because Dr. Lombardi told her and the other nurses that I should be out making new friends instead of waiting for my old ones to come back. Renée and Mia are going to come back though, so I don’t feel like trying to replace them with other whack-a-doodles. I’m surprised that they haven’t forced me to join the force field for that Halloween dance. Before she can push me to join movie night any more, I offer her a small wave as in to say goodbye and then I grab Mrs. Dalloway off of the bookshelf and head outside to sit on one of the empty benches near the sidewalk as people walk around in the grass. There’s a game of soccer going on across the courtyard. I curl up on the bench and open the book to my saved page as I start reading.

I can hear everybody talking around me and there’s a lot of birds chirping and the sky is really blue. It is a really beautiful day so I find it ironic that I don’t feel the brightness at all. Everybody else seems to feel extra peppy today though, but I guess that’s because I’ve only been here for maybe a month or so and I’ve already grown close to four people which, in most cases, would sound like a good thing but in that month, I have grown to like four people (a personal record for me) and I have lost them as well. All in a month.

Before everything happened, when I was just a little freshman, I had a lot of friends. I had Grace, Haley and about another half a dozen other people that I considered my close friends and then even more than that were just friends and then beyond that I had a lot of acquaintances. I was kind of popular, as far as popularity goes with freshman virgins. It was easy for me to make friends and to hold conversations with people that I didn’t even know. I could even flirt with guys like there was no tomorrow.

However, on August 8th, 2012, all of that changed. I woke up a completely different person. A girl that wasn’t so naïve to the world anymore and instead of embracing all of the possibilities that people have open to them, I learned to fear whatever was around the next corner. I don’t leap ahead, I cower behind. I don’t say hi to people just because I can or bat my eyes to the boys that I think are cute. I don’t even think that boys are cute anymore at all.

So you can imagine how hard it is for me to make friends and yet, I’d managed to make four all in one month. That’s like one friend a week. And yet, with my luck, they all seemed to just disappear with in that same month. Just vanished as if they were never there in the first place. Just a figment of my demented imagination.

Johnny, of course, got out of the crazy house so he’s probably sitting around somewhere being happy and free. At least, I hope that he’s happy wherever it is that he went. I remember that he told me that his father still blames him for some heavy stuff so I wonder if he’s getting along with his dad or not. I hope that whatever he’s doing that he’s happy. He’s a really good guy so I think that after everything that he’s been through, he really does deserve to be happy.