24 June, 1978 - Memories

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Sirius didn't sleep much that night. He spent most of it sitting, leaning against the chest at the end of his bed and thinking. And Merlin he had plenty to think about.

On the one hand, Lavinia had barely rolled over before he'd pulled Remus to the far side of the room and asked what the hell kind of person did he think Sirius was. Did he really think his friend would take advantage of Lavinia in any way? Did he think Sirius wanted to start a relationship with her when she was drunk and vulnerable? Remus had had the good sense to look ashamed.

"I don't know why I even thought that," Remus had groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose and not meeting Sirius's eyes. "I'm sorry mate. I didn't mean to-" He broke off and sighed, dropping his hand from his face. "I don't think you would ever do something like that. I just... you didn't see her earlier. She was lonely, Sirius. Like I've never seen her before and... And I don't think I've slept properly in weeks and... I don't know."

And Sirius had forgiven his friend because he knew it had been a hard few weeks. The full moon had been only a few days ago and Remus had insisted on handling it alone. That it fell in the middle of NEWTs was a bit of bad luck that none of them had found a good way to work around and Remus had been showing the effects of that failure only too clearly.

Forgiveness became even easier when Remus explained exactly what Lavinia had been like earlier in the night and Sirius felt a sick sort of twisting in his stomach. He'd had no idea, of course. By the time he'd realized she was even at the party, she'd been laughing and dancing and looking for all the world like she was having the time of her life. And now... well now he saw that for what it was. She had been running. This night had been just a new way for her to escape whatever dark thoughts or stress or pain had chased her up here in the first place. And he'd thought she'd been a bit amusing drunk. He wished he hadn't laughed. Wished he'd told her off for it. Told her that drinking until she was distracted from her problems wasn't a solution at all. It was just an invitation for more problems.

And speaking of inviting problems, Sirius couldn't get Lavinia's little laugh out of his head. He couldn't stop thinking of the way she'd looked at him, the undeniable jealousy in her voice when she'd practically accused him of dancing with other girls. He had been dancing with other girls and now he felt rather bad about it. He'd done it for the same reasons Lavinia had been drinking, he supposed. He had been trying to pretend, trying to forget the twisting of his heart. Trying to run.

But to listen to her tonight, it sounded as though she might actually like him back. As though the feeling might be mutual. But if that was the case, then why did she keep running whenever he came even close to showing it? Why had she laughed it off when he'd kissed her if she felt even close to the way he did?

The logical explanation and his best guess was that she just wasn't ready, that he'd been right in the first place and she didn't want a relationship right now. He couldn't blame her. Her life was upside down and inside out and she was leaving school and they were all going off into the unknown. But at least the rest of them had been expecting this for years. Lavinia had had to come to terms with it in less than six months in the midst of which plenty of other things had gone wrong as well. Of course she was trying to hold on to those few constants she had left.

Still, he was starting to think that the best thing for it would be to have an honest conversation. Remus, of course, had advised him to do just that weeks ago. They were moving in together and, at least by Remus's assessment, it was only going to hurt them both if they weren't honest about it. Sirius personally thought it could and probably would hurt a few things to be honest, but when Remus had pointed out that Lavinia had never stopped being Regulus's friend despite the two of them having disparate feelings for each other, Sirius hadn't had an answer.

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