Recklessly Bound

Chapter Twenty Eight

I sit down on the edge of the bed and watch Ethan silently. He puts the glasses and bottle of whiskey down on the coffee table before taking off his suit and tie. He rolls his sleeves up to his elbows. He seems resolute. A deep frown hoods his eyes. Ethan sits on the armchair facing the fireplace and very far from me.

"Are you angry at me?" I dare to ask him. He seemed all right when he asked me to stay with him in the room as he confronted Lorena. The sudden change in his mood happened somewhere when we walked out of the room. He became distant and cold. It was like watching him stepping away from me mentally, one step at a time. What scares me more is Sam's words echoing in my head.

"No. Of course not." He looks up, surprised. Sighing, he rubs his hands over his face before leaning forward and using his elbows to lean on his legs. His hands still covered his face. "I'm so sorry. I'm not mad at you. I've been..." he trails off.

"Are you having a change of heart?" I ask, looking down at my fingernails.

"No. I'm...." He exhales sharply. "This has nothing to do with Lorena. She is out of our lives. I assure you. This is... This is about you and me," he pauses and looks up. "Would you please join me?" He points to the other armchair on the other side of the fireplace.

"Sure." I stand up and sit next to him.

"I'm trying to find words to explain what is going on without... without making a mess of things."

I gulp, expecting the worst. Sam's British voice comes to my head, telling me how Ethan thrives on attention and doesn't settle. Perhaps, Ethan is tired of me, too.

"All these years," Ethan starts as he leans and pours us whiskey. He drowns him in a heartbeat while mine rests untouched in front of me. "I've been staying away intentionally so you could find a better man."

"I don't understand."

"I have been ignoring my feelings for you, Evelyn, for a very long time. I stayed away from you because I knew you deserved better than me. I grew up with you. I watched you over the years as my infatuation with you grew and grew. From friends to crush, to... And yet, I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid that I won't be good for you. I knew you didn't deserve that."

"So, you stopped talking to me." I pick up where he left off.

"I was scared. You were all bubbly and sweet and... beautiful. And I was falling more and more for you. But I wasn't that man for you. I'm still not. You were looking for someone with total commitment. Someone who wanted to make a family as much as you did. That's what you said when you were talking to your friends. I overheard you. Just before I was about to ask you out when I was seventeen. I just... I just got scared. Admittingly, I was also selfish and thought how a relationship deserving of you might damage my career.

"I had to stay away. I needed to make you hate me so you wouldn't be wasting your time with me." He exhales loudly as if a heavyweight was taken off his chest. "I promised myself that I would never ever touch you, get close to you, or have feelings for you."

"You broke my heart," I add as a matter of fact. "I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I thought you stopped caring for me because I wasn't beautiful enough. So, for many years, I've lived with insecurities and the loss of a dear friend. Which was better? For you to think you've saved me or me thinking that I'm not good enough?"

"I know. I'm sorry. I never thought about how you would feel about my distancing. I've been selfish, but I thought it was the right decision. In fact, I decided to continue our distance even after marriage because I wanted to give you a way out of this. I was holding it together... up until you told me about your feelings that night. Our honeymoon was just the final push for me to... to stop resisting. To make you mine."