The Damaged

Chapter Seventeen

"Last night was terrible" I groan when I drop my tray of food on the table and sit where I usually sit. Though nervous for tonight, I know I should eat something because I vomited up everything that was left in my stomach.

"I held your hair back a few times, you should be thanking me" Tara smirks. I've once again missed breakfast and loaded whatever lunch foods I could fit on my tray.

"Thank you" I grin. There was a headache this morning, but after sleeping in and washing the night away; I feel better physically.

Mia's the one who can't stop jiggling her leg. "What if I get on the bottom of the list? They do combine the rankings with the Dauntless-born."

"You'll be fine, Mia" Tara reassures. "Worst case scenario, you'd work at the fence or something."

"At least you'd be outside" I try to comfort, I haven't practiced enough of it.

"Ugh" Mia groans and puts her head on the table.

I don't really care where I end up on the rankings, I'm just keeping my mind on the finish line.

Even though I know I'm going to face my fears once more in a few hours and have to start living my adult life as a Dauntless tomorrow. I'm just happy to be rid of initiation, once and for all.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

All the initiates sit in the waiting room next door to the fear landscape. The two rows are filled with Dauntless-born and transfers alike. By the computer, Tori is the one to administer the test while a small row of people are connected to the program to watch each victim. They must be the leaders, Max is among them.

On the way here, the hallway that's usually deserted was filled with people. They all stand in front of the screens to watch each initiate take on their fears, cheering for them and taking each hit as their own.

I watch all my friends disappear behind the door after taking their dose of the serum. Each one looking nervous, even after spending a week seeing their fears everyday.

Soon it's just me and a few Dauntless-born left in the room, my hands grip the bottom of my chair tightly. I go over all the possible scenarios in my head, could something new come after everything that's happened with the Erudite? I really, really hope not.

"Amalia" Tori beckons to me, a grin on her face. I take a deep breath and walk towards her, my hair already passed my shoulder.

I'm used to the poke of the needle in my neck, I take it without a flinch. Tori opens the door for me, nodding in a reassuring way.

I walk into the dark room, feeling the serum take its course through my body. My head pounds, goosebumps raised. My body is repeating history; this is how I felt the first time I walked in here.

To my surprise, my fear landscapes were all the same.

My mother. The water. The endless hallway. Taking my life over Four's, except he wore all black rather than gray. The operating table. The dogs. The mirrors. My father.

The lights turn back on. I'm breathless and lightheaded, slouching with my hands on my knees. It felt like I was under for hours, being tortured by my inner feelings. I had to keep reminding myself to not do the impossible; it's what Amar would've told me if he was still here.

What's new is that I now see into the room where I was just waiting; seeing the leaders, the two waiting initiates and Tori watching. They all nod approvingly, even Max. Tori looks proud, giving a clap motion to congratulate me.

Though I'm still trying to steady myself, I give her a smile. It isn't for her, or the leaders. It's that the weight of knowing I'll never see my fears again coming off of my shoulders. It's facing them and slowly learning that pulls me straighter. Knowing my Divergence didn't affect my performance this time is what guides me out of the landscape room and into the crowd of Dauntless.

Though I don't know them, they give me high-fives and side hugs. Telling me how fast I was, that one person blinked for just a moment and I was practically done. I'm finally part of them, I'm one of them.

"Mal" a voice calls behind me. I turn to see Four waiting on the outskirts of the crowd. I smile at him, he smiles back.

As if we have no more worries. Even if it's just for this moment.

"You were one of the first initiates to take their test, and you waited over an hour just for me?" I chuckle over the crowd of people.

"I wanted to see you in action for myself" Four says, taking my hand and lacing our fingers together.

"Was my time really short?" I ask when we walk down the narrow pathway without railings and to the main floor where everyone is waiting.

"Barley four minutes" Four smirks at me. "I had five."

"They should start calling you Five instead" I chuckle.

The transfer dormitory is filled with every initiate, even the Dauntless-born. Coincidentally, Zeke and Shauna sit on Four's bed with their feet up on mine.

"There she is!" Zeke announces, he applauds mockingly. Four and my hands drop.

"What'd I do?" I ask while shoving his feet off of my pillow to sit on my knees.

"Sean just got here a few minutes ago. I didn't believe the talk about you being so quick in the simulations, but now... you gotta be high on the rankings" Zeke smiles.

"I just did what I had to. Besides, I don't care what number I get" I shrug my shoulders. Four takes the spot beside me, pushing his cracked fingers through his hair.

"Look at the Stiff being all modest" Shauna smirks, shaking her head. "Wish I could've seen it, sounds bad ass to go through eight fears in four minutes."

My cheeks begin to burn. "I'm not being modest! I really don't care" I plead.

Shauna and Zeke both laugh at me, Four chuckles. I let out a groan and shift so I'm sitting with my back against the bed frame.

Over on the other bed sits Mia and Tara, talking in quiet voices loud enough for each other to hear.

I swing my legs over so I sit facing them. "How'd it go?" I ask them. They look at me with grins.

"Still terrible, but at least we're done" Tara replies first, Mia just nods.

"Nothing new?" I tilt my head.

"The bugs got bigger" Tara makes a face. I let out a giggle.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I try to make my face go straight but the two of them begin to laugh. I can't help but join in.

We may all be living in the same compound, but it won't always be this intimate. After the talk from last night, I want to start enjoying what I have before it all gets taken from me.