Serotonin

05 I past life

Chapter 5

After offering Adrian a pillow and a comforter, I went to Jace's room. I found Jace lounging on his bed, having treated his wounds by himself. I quietly shut the door and entered inside. I briefly inspected his injuries, he had few scratches and a black eye, nothing that required dire attention. He stared at me, and I stared right back. We both knew it wasn't going to be an easy conversation. Without the amusement and adrenaline, we were left with an impending confrontation.

I had traveled miles and searched different continents for the person who was sitting right in front of me. But now, when he was right there, I didn't know how to feel. I had planned this over and over in my head. I had imagined the different things I'd say when I finally met him, but my throat felt frozen. I was scared of the outcome. I was scared that any wrong move on my part would further push him away. I was scared to lose him.

And I never felt scared.

Not when I was hospitalised. When the vicious rumours circulated about me. When my Aunt had threatened me.

In all those moments, I simply didn't care. I felt indifferent and numb about the outcome of my life. There was no thumping in my heart or sweat on my forehead. Neither did I feel restless nor did my hands shake.

I didn't experience the emotions I was feeling right now. The nervousness was clawing at me, but this was a battle I couldn't bear to lose.

"You were supposed to keep him out of trouble, not get involved in a fight." I trod carefully, not willing to dive straight into the point.

"If you've come to scold me, don't bother. This isn't the first time this is happening and it certainly won't be the last," he said with a sense of finality, I sighed. I gently sat on the edge of the bed and looked Jace directly in the eye.

"What are you trying to achieve here, Jace?" I asked softly.

My well-protected armour couldn't protect my heart when the person who I needed protection from already owned it.

Jace was my Achilles heel, my breaking point. All that he said, all that he did, affected me irrevocably.

"Nothing that concerns you." He feigned indifference and I wanted to feel hurt that he had to keep a pretense with me. That even after two years, he couldn't just hug me or tell me that he had missed me as much as I had missed him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it either.

When had something so pure become tainted? When had our simple love become so complicated?

"You are my brother, Jace. Everything you do concerns me," I said truthfully.

He mattered to me more than myself. I couldn't hurt him with my words or my behavior. It was hard for me to say what I truly meant, but for Jace, I'd cross any hurdle. I'd get out of my comfort zone and face my fears.

His warmth melted my ice.

"We aren't exactly siblings, you see." He said in an attempt to hurt me, and it did. But I didn't flinch, recoil, or bawl my eyes out as he had expected. I just stared into his eyes and let him bear witness to the mess I was on the inside.

Not because of him, but because of everything that had made me who I was today.

I knew he didn't mean it. I knew my protective loving brother was there, somewhere, hidden behind his mask of indifference.

We all wore masks, sometimes to protect ourselves, sometimes to protect others.

I wore mine to protect myself, and Jace wore his to protect me. What I needed to learn was, what did he believe I needed protection from?