Taming the Street Racer ✔️

13 | regret in his eyes

♔

grayson's point of view

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I felt numb sitting on the couch alone. The image of her broken, pained face slowly disappearing behind the cold metal doors is seared into my mind, destined to haunt me. My hands are clenched tight, remembering the sensations of having her melt between my fingers. She left like silk, soft and warm in my hands. But then she slipped through, escaping my unworthy grip. And it's my fault that I let her.

It's my fault that it came to this.

She was all I could think about for the past few days, her wild smile and mischievous hazel eyes distracting me from everything. Something about the way she lost herself in the moment, focusing on you as if you were the only person in the world. She had a way of seeing right through me, past the damage that defines me. She was a drug, swimming through my veins and disrupting my life completely.

Fuck that, just the mere thought of her was an opiate strong enough to drive me crazy.

River was never meant to get this close, in my house, wrapped in my arms. But the fire in her eyes when we first met, burned bright even in the face of anger and wrath, captivated me from the start. She was my little spitfire, with so much more to her lurking beneath the surface. I knew that I selfishly wanted to know every part of her, inside and out.

From that point on, I couldn't control myself, always coming back for more and ignoring the knowledge that this was a bad idea. I opened myself to her and she walked right into my world. And the thing is: she fit perfectly.

Under the stars last night, watching her tip her serene face up toward the sky and breathe in the night, I realized. She was getting too close. And I was letting her. I'd lost control, caught up in the intoxicating way she made me feel, and I was in over my head. She was a light in my life, when I deserved to walk in the darkness for eternity.

I knew that if I let her fall down the black hole of my life, she would never recover. Once she started knowing the true me, the demons that I see every time I close my eyes, she'd ever be the same. I'd ruin her, just like I ruin everything.

But the way she clouds my feelings and invades my every thought - deciding to save her from me was the hardest decision I'd ever had to make. I can't think straight when it comes to her.

I realized that I'm a plague in her life, greedily taking her for granted. I couldn't let it go on.

When I heard her voice on the phone, I steeled myself over, trying to make her understand that I wasn't good for her. Brushing her off coolly, I tried to save her from heartache. Tried to get it through her head that I wasn't the one for her. But it wasn't enough. I hated that, even when I was trying to push her away and save her from me, I managed to fuck that up too.

I fucked up my parents' lives. I fucked up Gracie's life. I fucked up my own life. Now I'm screwing with River, the first person besides Gracie who's made me feel anything besides self-loathing and darkness. I'm fucking with the life of the only person who seems to understand me.

I guess I'm just doing what I do best.

I was just going to cut it off with her, tell her that I didn't want to see her anymore. That was the plan before she walked in looking like everything I didn't deserve. Beauty, kindness, innocence. I gave in again, letting her stay, giving her a gift that I never should have bought.

I fucked up again, leading her on and giving her false hope that I could be something more. I made her believe, for a split second, that she could be happy with me because I'm fucking selfish.

Then her arms were thrown around me, her body was pressed against mine and I lost control. I looked at her perfect, heart-shaped lips and wanted so bad to show her how much I cared about her. To press my lips against hers, to pretend that I could be what she wanted me to be, was a desire stronger than I'd ever experienced.

Looking into the bright depths of her eyes, feeling her own desire toward me, I felt alive.

I was so close to her lips. I was so close to ruining her.

So I lost control in the worst way, glossing over my strong feelings for her and giving into the primal desire everyone expects of me. I explored her body in a way that I'll never forgive myself for.

It was all a blur, letting the darkest parts of me rise to the surface and showing her the mess that she doesn't want to get caught up in. Her telling me to stop, me trying my hardest to maintain the coldest stare imaginable as she scrambled away. I watched realization dawn across her face, her eyes cloud as she saw the true me. The nonredeemable me.

As I watched her beautiful face morph with pain, I knew I'd succeeded.

I hurt her. I saved her, pushing her away hard enough so she'll never be hurt by me again. I ignored the pounding in my empty chest and watched her leave in a way that told me she'd never try to come back.

Telling myself that it's better this way with me far away from her sweet temptation. I ignore the urge to run after her. Because I know she's worth fighting for, I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on her.

But it's me that's the problem. I'm not worth of anything - certainly not of her.