Letting go of pain

Chapter 13

I am used to standing alone

I hate laying in bed feeling so uncertain and scared. I hate the feeling of suspense. Unsure if the monster is going jump from under the bed or not. I am scared that in any minute that he is going to walk into the room with a blindfold and ropes with his dark sinister smile. I hate the feeling of waiting. Every time I hear footsteps or noise outside my room my heart sinks and my anxiety increases.

I clutch the photo to my chest tighter counting down the minutes until it is past 2 am. the tears and the pain my chest in inevitable. My pain isn't just mental it's physical. Everything just screams. From the soaring pain in my broken collar bone to screaming pain my brain. I just want to wake up... I just want Dad to come and save me. I want to be in his large comforting arms. I want his shoulder to lean on. I just want comfort.

A sigh of relief rushes through me as it passes 2 am. I can finally close my eyes and try to fall asleep. Although it always feels impossible.. it always feels like I need to keep one eye open at all times.

"YOU SLUT"! Margaret slaps my cheek harshly leaving a large handprint on my cheek. "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE MY BOYFRIEND OF SUCH A THING"! she screams in my face gripping my hair throwing me to the floor. "B-But I am not lying m-mum! He c-comes in my room e-every n-night"! She kicks me in the stomach harshly. "You are just an attention-seeking little bitch! You probably try and throw yourself at him". She spits on me like I am a piece of dirt. My sobs and cries fill the room. Mike walks in and looks down at me then smirks evilly.

"M-mum I promise I am n-not lying"! She looks down at me with disgust. She kicks me harshly making me grasp my stomach tightly trying to catch the breath she stole from me. "I am not your mother! You are no child of mine. Nor anyone's". Her words fell into my head like venom spreading everywhere sinking into my heart. "No one ever wanted you! Your own parents even saw you as rubbish. They threw you out. My husband was just a foolish and clueless man who was clouded by pity". I cried more hot tears burning down my cheeks.

"YOUR RUBBISH! A dirty no-good slut! Everything bad that has happened is because of you! John died because he had to work to get enough money to afford you. Your parents threw you out because you were too ugly and dirt for them to even bear to look after you. The kids bully you because they can see how ugly and how much of a whore you truly are! Mike and I hate you because we have to see dirt every day when we see you". She stomps on my leg with all her might. My scream radiates through the room. She turns to mike and smiles. "Want to have some fun baby"?

I look at both of them with my pale face and complete horror.

I gasp and clutch my pillow tightly trying to blink the tears and memories away. Being a ten-year-old and the woman who was supposed to be my mother. When she didn't believe she took all of my hope away. She made me see that no one really cares. No one will ever believe me and the only person who did care... he died.

"Dad... please... I wish you were here". I whisper looking at my photo. I look at the little girl on his shoulder with complete wonder. Where did that little girl go? Where did she run off too? Where did she go hiding? I get up and get changed, I look at Bruno's hoodie and put it on. It may be too big for me but it brings warmth and comfort. The scent of his cologne brings a sense of protection and safety.  My collarbone is looking really bad and my shoulder is all swollen has a large dark black-purple bruise surrounding it. I have to bite down my cheek putting my clothes on. It feels more and more painful each day. Tears fell down when I was finished getting dressed. The throb in between my legs feels as if it will never go away.. that it will always remain damaged.  I also noticed a new bruise on my forearm. Which brings the memory of Louis to hold my wrists too tightly yesterday. I didn't expect it to leave a large bruise-like it did. But oh well I guess. What's another one.

I walk down the staircase carefully and slowly cause the pain I was in. I get down and make myself a cup of tea and grab an apple. "Morning piccolo". I look at Alex and nod to tired and too much in pain to answer. He grabs my wrist lightly but it hurts because that was my bruised forearm. The bruise what Louis left. I frown at him but hold back my whimper.
"Look me and others just wanted to say sorry! We honestly didn't mean it! we are just not used to the idea of having a sister". I blink I was confused to why they were apologising. I have never had anyone apologise to me... ever.

"It's cool". I shrug getting my tea. Alex and the others frown not liking my response. I look at them and roll my eyes. "I have had worse things said to me. You making fun of me and the people who raised me. might sting but it doesn't make me fall into a ball of tears". It stung a whole lot but I will never admit that. "It's not cool nor is it fine, we will make it up to you". Luke says sternly looking dead serious. The others and Vince nod in agreement even Enzo and surprisingly Louis. "Um, you don't have to.. its whatever". I sit down in the same seat I sat down in yesterday.

"We want to". Bruno smiles softly. I nod and eat my apple with content. "So, I have some things to discuss Brea". I gaze down to my lap. He sounds so serious my heart sinks what does he have to discuss. "this weekend is the court trial. The police had called and asked if you come in and answer a few questions". I choke on air and my face pales and I look at him with complete horror. "W-what questions". I shudder at my stutter I feel my heart being tugged right out of my chest. Vince looks down and frowns. "Just some more questions about the drugs. They found out more information about Mike apparently its bigger than what they thought". I inhale and exhale like how dad used to tell me what to do when my anxiety was too much. But right now, it feels too much. I should feel relief that it's only about the drugs and not about me. but the anxiety in my chest and the pain grows to the unthinkable. I feel a hand grab mine and feel a quite squeeze I look at Vince's warm but concerned smile. "It's ok we will be here by your side". I sigh heavily and try to compose myself together. "I don't think I can go to court". I shudder at those thoughts and frown. Louis and Enzo's face soften and everyone is now looking at me sadly.

"I am sorry but I couldn't get you out of it. but I will be right next to you every single minute". I'm being a baby and pathetic. I don't need someone to hold my hand. I don't need anyone. "It's fine I will deal with it". I say coldly and bluntly which turns Vince's smile into a frown.  "When do I have to leave". I ask playing with my apple. He sighs loudly and takes a sip of his coffee. "We all will be going tomorrow". I look at him confused. "we"? I ask full of confusion. "we are all going". My face forms an 'o' shape. "You don't all have to. I can just go by myself. You don't all have to go and take the time off work". My voice sounds uncaring as I shrug my shoulders. My heart feels like it is being pulled into a battle of tug of war. One half is begging for them to all come and stand behind me and comfort me. while the other just wants to be left alone and to just deal with it myself. "No, we will be going with you. We are all family and in this family, we are here for each other and stand strong together". His words in my heartfelt melodic while in my brain it sounded like rubbish and cutlery scraping against plates. It just sounded so unrealistic and more like a fantasy than reality. "You don't have to but whatever.. thanks, I guess". I skull the rest of my tea and finish the rest of my apple. I quickly chuck my apple core out and rinse my cup out before quickly walking out of the room like it was caught on fire.