Success doesn't equate happiness. I've had to learn that the hard way over the years. With every disappointment, every let down, every heartbreak, my solution was to just achieve something. Gain a new award, a higher accolade, a bigger position. The...
"I say I'm happy but I'm still stuck on us Does your mind play this game too? Think 'bout me and you I guess I'll just pretend until it all makes sense See you face to face, I'm thinking 'bout the days we used to be" - Giveon
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"Have you gone over any of these documents?" I asked Gabe while spreading the contents of the folder out on my desk that's set up in my room. He nodded while pulling his chair over near mine.
"I had my lawyer draft all of that up before I got her pregnant." I turned to look at him, feeling genuinely confused about everything. I thought he paid her off when he found out she was pregnant and now I'm completely lost.
"You planned this? Planned to have a baby with another woman?" I couldn't mask the hurt if I wanted to. Here I thought he was trying to cover up him being careless. I never considered the fact that he never not wears a condom. We didn't even stop using condoms until we were married. It was another agreement we made with each other.
Sometimes I miss how we were in college, so obsessed with each other that no one else mattered. We hated being away from each other. I remember the first time Gabe stepped out on our relationship at one of his away games that I couldn't make. It was the first time I'd ever gone to my birth mother for advice which was probably one of the worst decisions I ever made. I wanted to tell Gabe how it made me feel, but she convinced me not to.
"Girl, you have a man that wants you. That man is the number one draft pick, a D1 athlete, and you're going to nag him about something simple like infidelity? You must want to be lonely like me for the rest of your life. If he's cheating, you cheat back, but until that man stops choosing you stay by his side. This is the best advice I can ever give you as a mom."
When Gabe asked me to tell him how I felt, honestly, I lied. I told him it wasn't a big deal to me, and as long as his dirt remained in the dark and he continued to put me first we'd be fine. That night I went and slept with someone else and then cried myself to sleep. At times I felt like he only cheated to see if I would admit my actual feelings towards it, not because he actually had the desire to do so. I know because I was doing the same thing, sleeping with other men to try and get a reaction out of him.
"It sounds horrible, but yes. I-"
"Why would you do that?" I stood up, needing to put some space between us. He grabbed a hold of my arm before I had time to move away from him and pulled me down in his lap.
"Listen to me. We aren't going to get over it until everything is on the table. I need to explain to you why I did what I did. Us having a baby began overshadowing everything in our marriage. It was taking a toll on our trust in each other, our intimacy, and most importantly our communication. We started to tip toe around each other's feelings, treating each other like fragile children. I didn't want to bring up the idea of hiring someone to do it because I felt as if it would hurt your feelings. Instead I figured it was something I would do on my own, something that also wasn't the wisest idea."
