Eric didn't sign on again until Monday evening. When the open-door jingle on AIM had notified me that he'd arrived, I debated what in the name of God I'd say to him in order to clear up this whole mess.
But I didn't need to worry. The standard AOL notification ping drew my attention away from the blog and onto a chat box that had popped up on my screen.
Sure enough, Eric had sent me an instant message.
My heart thudded against my ribs as nerves churned in my belly like a bowl full of jumping beans. Would he understand why I'd shrugged off my feelings for him on my blog? I hoped Care had alleviated his concerns.
AceofClubs: hi Jess
CelibateForLife: hey Eric
AceofClubs: nice blog!
AceofClubs: It's good to see you exploring yourself.
AceofClubs: Ignore the trolls.
CelibateForLife: Don't worry.
CelibateForLife: I won't let them deter me.
CelibateForLife: I'm determined to understand this.
For a few moments, neither of us spoke. I could imagine both of us sitting before our computer screens, palms sweating, while we debated what to say.
Should I apologize for shrugging away my true feelings for Eric? Pass it off as no big deal? Pretend that Care hadn't told me about his concerns?
If Eric had feelings for me like I did for him, his hands would tremble as he typed his words. Tingles of electric energy would course through his body.
I have to tell him.
CelibateForLife: I'm sorry about what I said in the comments.
CelibateForLife: I just wanted to get Curious off my case.
CelibateForLife: Honestly, I meant that I didn't want to jump your bones.
CelibateForLife: I mean, not that you're not attractive!!!
CelibateForLife: You are, but what I mean is...
AceofClubs: It's okay, Jess. :) Relax. I don't expect anything from you.
AceofClubs: We're friends.
Now I sat there confused. Friends...hmm. That didn't sound like what Care had meant, but maybe he didn't feel comfortable telling me yet. But I didn't want to push him. Not after our little misunderstanding.
CelibateForLife: Thank you for all your support. <3 It means a lot.
AceofClubs: You're very welcome.
CelibateForLife: You said that I could improve the graph.
AceofClubs: yes
AceofClubs: It's almost perfect.
AceofClubs: All you need to do is change the axes from sexuality and romance to sexual attraction and romantic attraction to make it clear.
AceofClubs: It doesn't matter if you have romance or sex in your life.
AceofClubs: Anyone can have that.
AceofClubs: It matters whether you feel the attraction.
Biting my lower lip, I wondered if I could--or even should--be as open with Eric as I was with Care. Probably not. I'd known her my whole life.
Like Care had said, though, he spoke to her about these things without being judgmental in the slightest. Perhaps I could talk to him about anything.
YOU ARE READING
Mask of Celibacy
Teen FictionIn the late nineties asexuality is all but ignored as an orientation. Jess doesn't understand her complex array of emotions or why she finds it so hard to relate to her fellow classmates. Catholic high schools and churches simply don't address the i...
