Mask of Celibacy

Chapter 15

Before I went to Care's house the next morning for an emergency game of Scrabble, I reviewed Eric's attachment on the types of attraction. Only in Mr. Romano's philosophy class had I pondered the concept of love but not enough to understand it in detail.

As I pored over each section, I tried to relate it to my own life in the hopes of demystifying how the forms differed from one another.

Level 0 – Platonic attraction: You have a strong urge to be friends, hang out, etc.

Platonic attraction made perfect sense to me. I'd never want to be anything more than friends with Care, for example. Of course, we shared a deep-seated friendship, the closest either of us would come to having a sister. My best friend in the world, really. But I could never fathom anything romantic happening between us.

Level 1 – Aesthetic attraction: You want to look at someone because of their appearance or mannerisms.

How often had I watched guys like Jack the Jock or Bryan Delacourt at school rallies? Their chiseled beauty often gave me the warm fuzzies. Even I went 'hot damn' at a nice pair of sculpted arms.

But that longing, admiration, or giddiness had never developed into any X-rated fantasies. Their physical traits appealed to me. Eye candy of the finest quality.

Level 2 – Emotional attraction: You enjoy and/or long for someone's presence because of their personality or mannerisms. You might feel a kind of 'tug' or 'pull' that some describe as 'magnetism'. Certain traits or common interests might draw you towards that person.

Yes! That was exactly how I felt with Eric!

In French class, a powerful force drew me to him, one I couldn't explain. His quiet strength. That quirk of his eyebrow. His intellect. Our love of fantasy and sci-fi. Exactly, it was like magnetism!

Confusingly, it also described my strong sisterly feelings towards Care. Her bubbly effervescence could pull me out of any funk. We could watch sci-fi movies all day long and talk about the mysteries of the universe until the middle of the night. Whenever I felt sad, she could cheer me up. Almost every weekend we hung out or talked on the phone.

The two kinds of magnetism I experienced with Care and Eric weren't the same, though. Care drew me in because of her personality and mutual interests. She got me in a way no one else could, except possibly Grandad.

Whereas with Eric...

You want to date him, said my conscience in Eric's deep baritone. Admit it. You want a relationship.

Level 3 – Sensual attraction: You want to have non-genital physical contact; here there are two forms/levels—platonic or romantic.

Sensual attraction remained an irritating mystery to me. A bit of a sore spot. I'd always felt touch averse with most people, even close friends or family members. I couldn't even hug Care without overthinking it.

Perhaps I spent too much time in my head to really appreciate the physical nature of things. My body felt like an appendage rather than a part of me, a tool to interact with the world. But my essence never felt physical. It was conceptual. My brain had created a cerebral dream world in which my soul existed, a complex fabric woven from thoughts and feelings.

For years, my family had tried to socialize me to enjoy hugs or snuggles, but I was never that kid. It didn't mean that I loved my family any less. I just didn't express my affection or appreciation through touch.

Perhaps one day I could condition myself to think in those terms, but it would take a lot of effort on my part and a lot of patience from a potential partner. Could Eric tolerate my weirdness?