petty | nct johnny

104 the first

"you are the problem.", johnny was tired of keeping everything in. jordan dont even know how to let johnny's remarks to sink in. "explain.",jordan replied. that was all she was able to say.

"you wouldn't understand.",johnny bluntly spitted out with an expression that jordan couldnt figure out and it was bothering her.

"i would never understand if you just keep it in and not open your mouth to talk about it.", jordan felt her blood boiling but she tried to manage her anger. "so make me understand.",jordan said firmly as she settled down infront of johnny.

johnny was about to stand up and leave the tense atmosphere when jordan shouted. "you really called me the problem when you are doing this to us?"

"god! you're so damn selfish",jordan exlaimed out of frustration.

selfish. the trigger word to every heated and big argument. one party claims the other party is lacking consideration for other people.

was it johnny or was it jordan? which was the party that lacked that extra care from the other party?

hearing the word 'selfish'. johnny turned his back against the door and face jordan. he finally spoke up. johnny's last straw finally tore.

"me? selfish? you know what, all this time, i tried to make things work between us and every damn time, it's just me making the effort."

"im the one offering, im the one asking, im the one inviting, im the one searching and asking for assurance and yet im still the one questioning if you even like me!"

"i dont even get why im trying. it looks like you're just trying to accept me because you're overwhelmed with me pouring my feelings out the other day and you sympathise with me"

"and if that is the reason, i really dont think im enough for you. i give up. i waited for you for so long. i was sure that you would come back to me and i didnt even care if you came back as a stranger. i was more than willing to get to know you again and feel what its like to fall in love with your day one, your ride or die, all over again"

jordan was taken aback and she was speechless. tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. seeing her not having something to say, johnny felt even more demoralise.

"its our last year and im making all the effort and taking all the small opportunities to spent time with you even if it is just awhile but all you have to say is that you are busy with work"

"im really really tired dani, im really tired."

"during these times, usually all i need is your assurance and to be in your arms but i know that's too much to ask, you are completely overwhelmed and whatever you are going to comfort me in is only going to be out of guilt and not honesty. so keep it for when you and i are ready. for when we know its better for us.",johnny smiled as jordan saw his eyes shake and his expression drop, maybe relieved that he finally let all that out.

"im sorry johnny. i mean it.",was all jordan coukd bring herself to say. johnny walked to her kneeled infront of her. "dont cry. its too heavy on you. i will feel guilty and you wouldnt be able to sleep.",johnny wiped her tears and head out the door.

jordan wanted to run after him but her legs suddenly felt heavy. she ended up bawling her eyes out, hoping that johnny might come back later in the night so he wouldnt have to carry the burden alone. jordan hugged her legs as tears rolled down her cheeks everytime johhny's words replayed in her head.

if only she realised sooner that she was selfish while johnny was just being his selfless self.