Shut Up, Padfoot!

44

"You need to be more careful," Madam Pomfrey scolded.

I scowled but when my brows scrunched, the wound below my hairline stung. She gently pat the gauze on my skin and I flick my eyes up to her.

"Like I wanted to go flying into the wall," I mumbled.

She frowned down at me and pulled back. The tweezers clinked against the metal tray as the small material fell onto it. She reached for the bandage and medical tape.

She didn't say anything afterward. Her cold fingertips settled on my skin when she held the bandage up. I brought my own hand up to hold it while she taped thin strips to secure it in place.

I know she's thinking about something. She's pondering it and I know it's about me. I hate adults. Always think they can hold secrets and information from you. Never honest. Deceiving assholes.

"What is it?" I questioned.

"Nothing, love. Go on to class," she dismissed.

"No, say it," I persisted.

She sighed and placed her hands on her hips. My fingers curled in the infirmary bed's sheets and I leaned back, awaiting her response.

"You're so young," she quietly said.

"Well... yeah?"

Her eyes scanned my face and stayed longer at the recent hit to my head. Can't believe I've known her for six years already. One more to go. Granted, the Marauders and I have visited the infirmary a little more than other students. So maybe our bond is just stronger. I don't know.

"Yeah.." she trailed off.

"It's because I'm dying? We're all dying, nothing new," I said.

"Mm."

It's because I'm dying before her.

Like a mother losing her child, or an old man watching a teenager's drifting figure down stories. And unfortunately, a professor's loss of a student.

"Poppy? Since I'm here, I need to talk about something," I began.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

I swallowed, hesitating. I haven't spoken to anyone about this. There's already so much to be worried about. Way too much just for a group of sixteen-year-olds.

She leaned her weight on one leg with her arms crossed over herself. Almost like she was holding herself. Holding herself softly to ease the future pain of losing a student so soon.

"I'm blacking out. I can't remember a lot of things I do," I admit.

"Blacking out? Do you think it's-"

I twitched and brought my hands into my lap, knowing exactly what she was going to say. Before she could say it though, I interjected, "No. Not him."

"Then your ability?" she suggested.

"I don't know. I'm- I'm doing something during these blackouts. Something that I don't want my own self to know, and it's so frustrating!" I exclaim.

"Are you sure it's not him?"

Flinching, I shifted around to play it off. My warm hand rubbed at the back of my neck and played with the ends of my hair. Closing my eyes momentarily, I composed myself again.

Even mentioning him alerts every nerve in my body and I absolutely hate it. Fucking taboo. At the pace I'm going, I have no chance at bringing that dickhead down. I hope someone can.

"Forget I said anything. I've got to get to class," I told.

"Cry.."

I got to my feet, gathering my bag and straightening my clothes out. She called out to me but I can't trust her. She'll go and tell Headmaster Dumbledore but that old man hasn't done shit for me. Hasn't helped me one bit and I had to fend for myself. Will just bring me wasted time and discussions.

Quickly walking out of the infirmary, I didn't look over my shoulder. Screw class. I'm going to my dormitory.

Hoping I don't get caught by Filch, I hurried down the hallways. At this point, I don't care. What I need is the comfort of my bed. And honestly, I've been needing it a lot lately.

"You bitch."

I jumped and my head throbbed more. Slowly turning, I clutched my bag tightly. Should I say fuck it and started running? They won't know it's me, right? Well, the strikingly blue hair is a giveaway though.

I registered who it was and sighed in relief. My hand thumped against my thigh as I let go of my bag strap.

"You're supposed to be in class~" Lily sang.

Playing with the pin in my hair, I huffed with slight annoyance. She clasped her hands behind her back and cutely approached me. Her pretty red curls fell down her shoulder as she peered at me.

"Okay, prefect Lily Evans. Like you'll write me up," I sarcastically responded.

"Of course, what else would I do? You'll get detention as well," she teased.

She winked at me and I smiled slightly. Lily knows how to cheer me up. After seeing my magic freak out on me and backfiring to the point of my own body lurching into the nearest wall, she couldn't just talk to me about it.

Control is a big thing for me. Well, used to be. Nothing is in my control anymore so I had to adapt. Can't control my mind, my death, my transformation, nor my powers.

My powers have been so important to me, since day one. Finally, something to hold onto, learn and express. Gave me hope in that dinky orphanage. Connected me to my parents. Made friends at this school, an actual family.

But when I can't do a simple spell without it going haywire, it took more from me.

Never can transform and be in tune with my spirituality ever again. Or not worry about how soon D-Day comes. Not even my thoughts.

Everything-everything is taken from me.

I'm almost nothing now.

My mind is deteriorating and my body can't handle my powers anymore.

My fingertips flickered with electricity and I held it behind my back to hide it from Lily. She babbled on but I can't really hear what she was saying.

Maybe I can't hold on for five more years.

Cry Phoenix is no longer herself.

She's stolen.

-lana