Little Miss Drug Dealer

Eleven

I touched my moms frail hand, she was sound asleep like an angel, she gave me the sensation as if she were dead, I took comfort in the thought.

If my mom can't get better I'd rather have her dead than suffering.

The thought of her recovering doesn't cross my mind anymore, it was a lost cost.

The tears sweeping down my face tasted like salt, Ashley didn't cry but she held me as I cried.

Like I said she was tough, and I just acted tough.

"What if she doesn't make it this time?" I broke from her grip and wiped my tears.

She sighed heavily and replied, "Then it's for the best."

I nodded my head and continued running my fingers up and down my moms hands.

~~~~~~~

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

My mom died that night.

Kidney failure.

I didn't cry again, I felt relieved she was gone.

My mom was a wonderful, gorgeous, and sweet person, yes her death was horrible but at least she wasn't suffering anymore, I decided instead of blaming God for taking someone away that I loved so much to thank him for giving her to me for 17 and a half years.

Ashley wasn't as sad either, I guess we both just realized a long time ago this would happen.

I did cry a bit at the funeral, cried because I realized how many people forgot her when she was diagnosed yet when she died everyone suddenly showed up.

In her will she left us her jewelry, I gave my half to Ashley, she needed it more.

The hardest part was splitting apart from Ashley.

She moved to Arizona with her father and his family, I cried the last day we spent together. She cried because she said she was losing her other half, I cried because I was losing my better half. Ashley meant the world to me and now she's gone. My mom and Ashley are gone and all I had was myself.

I moved to my dads condominium, it was a nice condo.

Two bedrooms. He was almost never home, all he did was work, he pulled me out of school and let me do online classes, but I quit them because I wanted to go back to public school.

I will go back to public school to get a diploma but most importantly walk with my graduating class.

I still sold drugs, I still had Stephanie, but I lost Eric once he got a girlfriend and apparently forgot about me and Stephanie.

I secluded myself and didn't let anyone hear from me in a while.

But I realized what's the point of being alone? It just brings bad thoughts and self loathing.

And I will never pity myself.