Shut Up, Padfoot!

46

Death can be scary.

It's a touchy subject. Lots of people don't like stressing over the end. Others dance along the blurred line with their crying hearts and empty minds.

When you lose a loved one, the denial sets in first.

"She can't be dead. Dad must be lying, yeah? A sick joke, Cry? I'll see her when I come home for the summer," Lily said.

I frowned and reached out for her. She's a mess. The discarded letter on the nightstand fluttered under the slight draft in the dormitory. She wouldn't stop pacing back and forth. Walking to and fro in front of my bed like a caged lion.

I sat on my knees and pulled on her arm. Tugging her gently towards me, she stumbled a bit with how stiff her body was. I can remember how I felt when some kids at the orphanage died of illness, when the truth of my parents came to light, when Rosanna was killed.

Anger resonates.

"She should've taken her meds! So goddamn forgetful sometimes," she yelled.

I grit my teeth at a sudden change of volume. My jaw locked instinctively. Trying not to think too much about it, I pulled her closer to the end of my bed.

"Lils, hey, look at me," I ordered.

My bed shifted under me, and the frame creaked when I straightened my back. I held her head, my thumb hooking along her hairline.

Her sharp features softened, and she wouldn't look at me. Her lashes fluttered, and her bottom lip trembled. With my other hand, I brushed back some of her hair, tucking it behind her ear.

Bargaining.

"Maybe if I asked to stay a bit longer during the Easter holidays? If I spent more time with her. She wouldn't have- have-"

"No, Lils. It's not your fault. The doctors said things weren't looking too good, right? You couldn't have done anything," I reassured.

"Cry, I could've used my magic. You have magic, magic that can do so many things. I wish you were there... so you could.." she began.

"I can't do that. My magic is just as lethal as cancer. My magic demands a price to be paid. You know I couldn't do it," I argued.

She swallowed, and a tear fell down her cheek. I caught it on my thumb and swiped it away. Her eyes squeezed tightly, and her hand clutched my shirt. Her nails dug in the fabric, and I'm certain a hole will open if she clawed it tighter.

"Cry.. how am I going to live without her? What am I going to do without mum?" she begged.

Depression crashes...

And pulls her down the depths.

"She's not gone. She's not gone. Lily-" I put my other hand to the other side of her head and tenderly turned her upwards to make eye contact with me, "- She is not gone."

"Cry.. then where is she? God- God has her now," she sobbed.

Her red eyes filled with tears, and her freckles smeared under the wet. Her nose ran and lips red and swole. Lashes stuck together and her heart tore.

"She's always with you. Fuck, she's everywhere. She could be in this room right now. She can be at the ice rink a coupl of  blocks from your house. She's wherever you want her to be, Lils. She's not gone," I firmly repeated.

"I don't want her to go," she cried.

My throat burned as I watched her break under my fingertips. The dazzling sparkle she used to have in her just as heart skipping green eyes vanished. The sparkle flickered, and the glint faded into the tears trickling down her lashline.

"Her soul is alive, I'm telling you. Her spirit is here and she's not leaving. You're going to meet her in another life. It doesn't end now," I state.

"How did you deal with it? I want to turn it off. I don't want to feel, Cry. Anything- anything but this," she pleaded.

She choked and coughed as she continued to cry. I can hear her whimpers under her sobs and feel her body shaking. Leaning my forehead atop of hers, I held my breath to stop myself from crying with her.

Lily closed her eyes, and every emotion wracked her core. She's hit rock bottom. Everything is weighing her down, and she can't breathe. She's drowning, and everything is filled with darkness.

But she's still here.

She's here.

She may be in pain.. but she's safe.

"I know, baby. I know it hurts. You're not going to break from this. You're strong and hell, it does hurt, but you won't break. I know you're scared of it, but it won't ever happen," I reassured.

"I don't want to be broken," she managed out.

"You won't. I swear to God, you won't. Nothing can break you," I promised.

"Mum- mum.."

Securely holding her, I pressed my hand to the back of her neck and into my shoulder. She cried harder, and I can feel her tears through my shirt.

Her knees buckled, and I quickly clenched my hands across her back. Her whole body weight fell on me, and I bent back more on the bed. I readjusted her, and she daren't let go of me.

Her mum must be so upset that her daughter's best friend will be joining her so soon. I don't know who would keep her from falling, keep telling her she'll stay whole, and be here when I'm gone. And I know I'll really be gone. Spirit and body.

"Lils, I love you. She loves you. You'll never be alone, I promise," I whispered.

I wiped at my own tears and pressed my mouth into her hair. This fucking hurts. I can't imagine what she's going through. Not in the slightest bit.

Grazing my cross necklace, I mouthed my prayer. The cool metal quickly warmed under my fingertips, and I closed my eyes as I prayed. Rest in peace, Mrs. Evans.

Acceptance awaits.

-lana