SURVIVORS

CHAPTER ELEVEN

   Dear Fahad

I find it funny how It's been a month since I last saw you, but like you said, time runs so slow here it's almost as if it's a year.

Each day, I failingly try to ignore the mount of emotions growing in me, it has turned to a burden I bear each day. No, I can't anymore. I know I'm  responsible for your death, maybe I should have been smart enough to think up a way to divert attention from you while in the quarters. I should have done something...anything.

I'm writing this letter to get it all out of my chest. There's so much I want to say to you, a lot of things I want to share.

Nowadays, sleep and I are enemies, totally against each other. I've tried telling Zahra and Samira but they didn't understand how it hurts completely. It isn't their fault, not even you can understand how you made me feel the very few moments I spent with you.

I secretly admired your confidence Fahad, it's something I struggle with. I've got so many insecurities that I hide on a daily basis, but you...you're always so secure, bright, bold, relaxed, the exact opposite of what I am. Your hardihood and contagious laughter bubbles me up inside, one of the best feelings I've felt in a long time.

I'm not quite sure what all these mean, to be honest, I don't even get myself these days. Sadiya says I act more reserved than usual, adding that I was loosing the little weight I managed to gain. I just want to be left alone. I can't imagine why your death is breaking me so much, well it's cause I didn't realise I had developed feelings for you all along.

Strange how much I bottled up my emotions that first day we spoke, though It became harder with every contact we had. I was scared of how much I began to care for you, so I acted like I was only concerned about you getting caught. The truth is, I was. But, I was even more frightened about me not seeing you again. I loved who I was around you that I didn't want it to end, looking back, that was selfish of me.

Your face is still evergreen in my memory. Dark curly hair, perfectly arched eyebrows, brown eyes, a straight nose that seemed to breathe in confidence daily. Thin lines of hair were already starting to form below your nostrils, your lips always pursed whenever you were getting annoyed coupled with your fierce but calm expression. Your adam's apple danced in your throat when you laughed. But you aren't here anymore, even if you were, there's every possibility you don't feel the same way. I wouldn't even give any hint of what I felt for you.

We heard you shot a guard in the leg while you were still trying to escape that's why he hasn't been walking properly. Serves him right.

The nights here are so cold, as cold as our world here is. Times like that, I just lay thinking of you, ruminating of what would have been if you were still alive. Then rage would consume me terribly, destroying any peaceful thoughts I had left.

Are you in some kinda peaceful place, just saying due to the way I hear everyone talk about death. You don't deserve to go to hell. Infact none of us here deserves to go to hell after all we've been through. Here was hell enough.

If I'm being truthful, as stupid as this may sound. I hope your death is a mean joke, some surreal experience. But rather, I keep telling myself  to get it over with, write it all in this paper and forget about you.