Infinity||H.S.

Please Don't Go

Misplaced trust and old friends
Never counting regrets
By the grace of God I do not rest at all
And New England as the leaves change
The last excuse that I'll claim
I was a boy who loved a women like a little girl
And still I cant let you be
Most nights I hardly sleep
Don't take what you don't need from me
It's just a drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven"

****

Harry

My heart is heavy. Last week was one of the worst of my life and after she left her room back in Las Vegas I completely lost it, breaking a few things around the room - which I paid for after - as I let out my anger towards her, but mostly towards myself. I knew I fucked up again the moment she got up from the bed. I knew I did everything wrong the moment she looked at me once she was out of the bathroom. I should have said I loved her as soon as I stepped into the room, not repeat 'don't marry him' like a broken record. But most importantly I shouldn't have asked to be mine just for one night.

But please, understand I was desperate at that point, and I wasn't thinking clearly. I just thought maybe my body could have told her what my mouth couldn't, but clearly, I thought wrong and I fucked up big time.

I tried to reach out for her in the last week, I called, texted, came to her house but she never answered, that's why I started to call Hannah. I knew Elle told her, if not her, who?

Hannah kept me in the loop with everything, and she was a great help. She suggested me to be honest about everything with Elle. She told me to pour my heart out to her and tell her my side of the story from the beginning  if Elle let me, obviously.

And that's what I tried to do for the last three days. I tried to make her open the door and listen to me, but she didn't, until today.

Seeing her after almost two weeks made my heart beat faster, even if she looks like shit and she lost even more weight than before, she still looks beautiful to me.

Knowing she remembered Paris was like being stabbed and made me realize how stupid we both have been for all these years. If we only would have talked, maybe now we would be in this position. Maybe now we would have been together. But we both did wrong things and this is the outcome.

And when she tried to close her door in my face I nearly lost it. Couldn't she see that this all happened because we never talked things out?

I did and was tired of it. That's why I decided I would make her listen to me, one way or another. Coward Harry is gone, he is not here anymore. I replaced him with a new version of me. This Harry isn't scared to admit his feelings, this Harry is tired of seeing her slip through my fingers and even if she won't choose me in the end, I just have to tell her my feelings, let them out of my chest.

Her reaction though left me speechless. It scared me, I never saw her like that, so shaken up, so lost.

But I wasn't really expecting was hearing her tell me she doesn't believe me. For once I'm completely honest, I poured my heart out to her and she doesn't believe me? Can't she see I'm in love with her? Can't she see I'm telling the truth?

"You said it yourself, Harry. You love me now because you saw me with Thomas. Reality is, you don't. You're just jealous. Think about it. What if we didn't saw each other at your mums that night? What if I was still in New York? Would have come looking for me? Would you have understood you love me? I don't think so," she states, clearing her throat after, without moving her eyes from mine, "I was miserable after Robin's funeral, Harry. I was for a long time while you were happy with Camille. I missed you, I missed my best friend, I missed the boy I loved you while you were off with her, never thinking about me. You never reached out for me in two years, you never came looking for me. And now that I'm here, in front of you, and you decide I'm worth it and you love me? It's a bit convenient and honestly, it doesn't sit right with me. So no, I don't believe you. "