Infinity||H.S.

I Do. Do I?

"Down to earth
It's like I'm frozen, but the world still turns
Stuck in motion, but the wheels keep spinning 'round
Moving in reverse with no way out
And now I'm one step closer to being
Two steps far from you
And everybody wants you
Everybody wants you
How many nights does it take to count the stars?
That's the time it would take to fix my heart
Oh, baby, I was there for you
All I ever wanted was the truth, yeah, yeah
How many nights have you wished someone would stay?
Lay awake only hoping they're okay
I never counted all of mine
If I tried, I know it would feel like infinity
Infinity, infinity, yeah
Infinity"

****

Holmes Chapel
13, September 2019
Wedding day.

Noelle

I promise to be the Miss Sad and Gloomy to your Mr Pain in the ass.
I promise to tell you the truth. No matter what.
I promise to try and never let you down and always be honest with you.
I promise to be by...

I sigh, running a hand over my face before pushing my finger over the delete button and cancel everything I wrote.

I'm getting married in six hours and I don't have my vows. Awesome, isn't it?

How can I promise to never let him down if I know I already did it? How can I promise to give him my whole if I think I lost myself?
How can I promise something to him if I even don't know where we stand?

Yes, we are getting married today, but we are far from okay. The last week has been... Horrible.

The only thing keeping me going probably work that has been erratic and prevented me from thinking, but once I was home, the reality of things came crashing down on me.

It was like walking around a sleeping bear. Thomas tried everything he could to act like he wasn't still very angry at me and like he was working on forgiving me, but the reality was that he turned into a passive-aggressive person.

He wasn't mean, we didn't fight, but the way he spoke to me or the way he acted around me, said it all. He was cold, not the Thomas I was used to.

And that's all my fault, I know that I remind myself every single day.

I lost count of the times I lost it during the past seven days. I don't know how many times Josh had to come rescue me while I was crying or trying to catch my breath in the back of the restaurant while we were in the middle of work.

Not the best way to look professional in front of my staff. But thankfully Josh isn't a noisy person, he stood there in a corner until I put my myself together, gave me a glass of water and a pat on my shoulder. He never asked questions and never talked about it afterwards. And I was glad he didn't.

Thankfully Carter was never there to notice.

I was to the point just one wrong look made overreact, I felt like being sixteen again when, after my mum died, I just couldn't keep it together. I had to actually take some homoeopathic pills to sleep this last week - not that they helped - and start to carry a paper bag in my purse, just in case I had a panic attack in the middle of nowhere.

I'm not good, but I act like I am.

Harry's notes and CD are still in my purse, I couldn't listen to it, I didn't have the courage, but at the same time, I can't seem to throw it away, or put it in another place. It's just there, another reminder of my errors.