Hopelessly Devoted

Chapter 17- Boiling Over

"What's the most important object in this room?" It's the Monday after the presentation and I'm sprawled out on Sean's bed after a particularly rough study session. The session involved me desperately trying to get Sean to understand calculus, only to end with a half-decent finished homework assignment and two splitting headaches. After that debacle, we decided to order some Chinese food and relax. We're both currently laying horizontally across his bed, our heads right next to each other sorta like that Spiderman scene.

I hear Sean snicker. "You!" I playfully smack his shoulder.

"I know you didn't just call me an object, Sean." 

Sean just laughs some more, ignoring my wimpy attempt at a slap. "I don't know, it's such a weird question!"

"It's really not. What object is the most important to you?"

"You know me, Rabbit. I'm not like that. I may live in this stupid big house, but I'm not materialistic. Honestly, I can't think of one object that is truly important."

I nod. That's one of the things I like about Sean. He literally has a maid who caters to his every whim, and yet he's completely down to earth. 

"What's the one thing you want more than anything in the world?" He asks.

I want you to love me.

"Um... I don't know." I look over at Sean. "I kinda wish my Dad was more... accepting."

"Yeah, I can't imagine Mr. Harrison being too cool about you being gay."

I bolt into a sitting position. "How the frick did you know?!"

Sean smiles guiltily and scratches the back of his head. "Jackie may have told me... I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret."

Gosh dangit, Jackie. She wants to get together almost more than I do.

Sean grabs my hand. "You know I'm cool with it, right? I'm the last person who would care about something like that."

I smile and nod, enjoying the feeling of his hand entraped in mine.

"Thanks. Thanks again for Friday, as well. I never could have gotten through that presentation without you."

"Don't thank me for stuff like that. I'll always be there for my Rabbit."

We sit in silence for a bit. Not awkwardly, just enjoying each other's company.

"Why?" My small voice breaks the silence.

"Why, what?"

"You said you'll always be there for me. I was just wondering why."

His brow furrow in confusion. "Is a trick question? Because you're my friend, Luke."

"Yeah but, why? I mean, Beth's been my friend forever but she's basically it. Jackie only befriended me through obligation. You had no such obligation to be around me. Is this like a charity case, or something?" 

"Jesus Christ, Luke. Are kidding me?"

I'm sure my face told him that I was, in fact, not kidding him.

He sits up so that we're both sitting facing each other. Legs crossed, staring directly at each other, my hands entwined with his.

"I hang out with you because I want to, Luca.  I thought that would be obvious after hanging out for four fucking months."

"But why do you wanna hang out with someone with so weird? I mean, I'm socially awkward, my best friend is insane, and I get beaten up constantly. I've got way too much baggage."

"Believe me, I've got baggage too." He says with a half-hearted chuckle.

This concerns me. "W-what do you mean? What's wrong, Sean?"

He smiles nervously and runs a hand through his hair. "Believe it or not, Luke, my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I mean, have you seen how empty this house is?  My parents are NEVER here. They're always off in some exotic place. I honestly doubt they remember they've got two kids at home."

I rub Sean's shoulder, a look of sympathy on my face. "That's not true. They get a reminder every time my grades slip.They've made sure that, as soon as anything goes below and A, they get notified." He smiles up at me. "If I'm being honest, that's the reason why I first asked you to tutor me. I just can't take another lecture from them. I can't stand to listen to them pretending to care about me."

He sighs. "It's even worse for Aurora. I'm not even sure if she'd be able to pick our parents out of a lineup. My parents check up on my grades every once in a while, but she's not in school yet so they don't care about her.

"Sean... I don't know what to say." I wrap my arms around his shoulders, trying desperately to comfort him like he comforted me just three days ago.

Sean returns the hug, enveloping my waist with his beautifully strong arms.  He buries his face in my neck, calming down in my embrace. "You don't have to say anything, Rabbit. Just you being here makes it better, just like always."

Butterflies flutter in my stomach at his words. Does he realize what he's saying?

He pulls back and looks me straight in my eyes. If I didn't know better, I'd say there were sparks flowing between us.

But I do know better. I know that there is no mutual attraction between us. I know that, no matter how deeply in love with this boy I am, he can't return my affection. That knowledge only makes the pain worse. The pain of being in his embrace. The pain of listening to him saying I'm perfect. The pain of him looking at me as if I'm the only other person on the planet. All of these things that should make me happy merely hurt because I know he doesn't mean it like that. His words, his hugs, all of his actions are only friendly gestures to him. 

He doesn't love me. And that fucking sucks.

"I, uh, I gotta go." I say as I pry myself from his arms.

"W-what? Why?"

Because I can't stand being around you. Because I love you. Because I love you and you don't love me back and I can't take it anymore.

"I'm sorry... I-I just... I gotta go."

I run out the door, ignoring Sean's voice calling after me. Ignoring the chill of the winter air. Ignoring the heart-wrenching sobs coming out of my body.

Ignoring the urge to turn back around and jump into his forbidden embrace.

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