Hopelessly Falling [book 2]

Chapter Seventeen

XVII
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**Crystal's POV**

        "And um, w-what was her name again?" My mom stuttered out. She had been in a distant trance since I told her who Connor was. Her eyes seemed empty, hollow even. Tears fell haphazardly from them, as if she wasn't even present enough to realize she was crying.

I had set Connor up in front of the TV while my mom was still taking in the initial shock. It would be best if he didn't see her like this. My mom and I went into a different room and sat down across from each other.

I had been holding back my tears to the absolute best of my abilities, but I wasn't too successful. Not that she would have even noticed.. as I was telling her the story I sometimes wondered if she could even hear what I was saying.

It took a little while to get through the whole story, but when I finally finished, it was silent for a minute or two. I knew she'd probably react like this, utterly heartbroken... but now that I was seeing it play out in person, it felt like someone had driven a knife right through my heart and into my soul.

"Cassidy," I responded with a heavy heart. For the first time, she wiped the tears from her face.

"He never told me about a Cassidy," she commented, and I wondered if she intended for me to hear it. She always blamed herself for what happened, much like how I always had... and still do in some ways. It seemed like she thought that if she had known about Cassidy, she could have prevented all of this.

It was hypocritical for me to say this, but she was constantly blaming herself for things that were not her fault, nor able to be prevented by her. And it honestly hurt to watch. It hurt to watch her always tearing herself apart in one way or another.

"Honey... I am so sorry you had to experience this," she started crying more. "You don't deserve this. No one deserves this. I'm so sorry."

"I'm okay. I mean it. I'll heal from it. But m-mom, I need you to listen to me," I continued to hold back my tears as she looked back up at me. "I can't take him with me. I need to leave him here with you. I'm in college," I started, "but I need to know that you'll be okay. I need to know that you won't turn back to drinking."

When I said this, it looked like it struck a pain deep in her chest. I knew that she understood I was right in my saying this, but the undeniable regret, guilt, and sorrow that filled her expression was almost tangible in the air.

"I love you, mom. I really do. But you kinda fucked me up a little," I said to her, "sorry for swearing... but Connor can't have anything else wrong with his family. He just can't."

"Crystal," she cut me off, adjusting herself in her seat and looking deep into my eyes. "I was a mess. I was a terrible, horrible mess and it haunts me every day what I put you through," she said through her tears. "I will not make the same mistakes with him. I promise you everything I will stay true to this."

I didn't want to admit to her that a part of me didn't believe her. She had made that promise countless times before, and I believed her every time. But I knew that this time was different. Connor carried a weight that in the moments back then, I hadn't. I believed her, but I knew I would have to check up every once in a while just to make sure.

"Okay," I responded with a nod and hesitantly gave her a small smile. "I'm going to let you have the night to take everything in, I guess I'll drop him off to you tomorrow before I head back to school.. I'd stay here tonight with you but I promised someone I'd get them apples- it's a long story," I said as we stood up.