ignite me / p. pevensie

chapter forty

Rowyn awoke the next morning with a headache stronger than anything she'd ever felt. After waking up in the middle of the night, she silently cried herself back to sleep. Her eyes hurt. Her heart hurt. But she still stood. She couldn't sulk around anymore. Peter wouldn't want that for her and she knew that.

He would want her to live. Just as she wanted him to live.

"Morning." She rubbed her eyes and walked out to the kitchen where her parents were sat talking over their coffee like they did every morning. Rowyn stood clad in her polar bear pajama bottoms and a white paint-stained tank-top as she stumbled her way over to the coffeepot.

"How you feeling, Ro?" Charlie questioned from the stove-top where he was cooking pancakes. Rowyn added creamer and a few spoons of sugar to her coffee and sat at one of the bar stools that rested on the other side of the countertop in their kitchen.

"My head hurts, but I'll live." Sam smiled softly at his daughter and handed her ibuprofen which she thanked him for and swallowed with a mouthful of coffee. "I went back to Narnia."

Sam and Charlie's attention became completely drawn on their daughter now. "Really?" Charlie questioned as he flipped a pancake.

Rowyn nodded and traced the top of her baby blue coffee cup. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Casper sitting in the chair beside her. "Yeah . . . I got to see Peter again, we saved Narnia from Telmarines that invaded after we came back to Earth, but it was . . ." Rowyn took a deep breath and looked up from the tan liquid in her cup. "I won't be returning to Narnia again, meaning I won't see Peter until I die—hell, he's probably already dead."

Sam stepped forward and placed his hand over Rowyn's. "That's why you crying so much . . . Rowyn, I'm so sorry."

Rowyn bit her lip as her eyes watered. "I'm just grateful that it happened . . . that I knew him." Charlie came closer to her and placed a plate of pancakes in front of her and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Would one of you be willing to . . ." Rowyn didn't finish her sentence.

"You want to know if he's still alive, don't you?" Sam questioned and Rowyn nodded.

"I assume some information would be on the internet—since literally everything is—but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it . . . I just want to know." Charlie nodded and Sam walked over to his laptop—which was already on the counter playing music through it's cheap speakers—and began to type in Peter's name. Rowyn felt sick, but she needed to know. Sam looked up from his computer after five minutes of reading and searching. The simple shake of his head told her enough. "How?"

Sam glanced at his husband and then continued. "A train wreck in 1949 . . . it was him and his entire family except for one it looks like." His voice was quiet and careful as he spoke.

Rowyn straightened up and shared a look with Casper. "Does it say who didn't?"

Sam looked closer at the screen and then read, "Susan Pevensie . . . if this is still accurate, she's still alive." Pain struck Rowyn's heart but she bit it down.

"Jesus Christ . . ." Rowyn muttered and brought her cup back to her lips and swallowed a few mouthfuls of the hot liquid inside.

"Are you alright?" Charlie asked his daughter when her face had paled a bit.

Rowyn took a few deep breaths and nodded. "I just . . . her whole family died and she was left alone—that's horrible."

"I'm sure they're with her in spirit, Rowyn." Sam reassured her. "Just as I'm sure they're with you in spirit too." Rowyn nodded and finally began to cut into her pancakes. The family all ate their food around the counter and made small talk to try and get Rowyn's mind off of Peter's death.

Although it didn't really work, Rowyn was grateful for them trying. For them understanding that she was hurt and wouldn't fully heal for awhile. Their patience meant the world to her.

After breakfast, Rowyn dressed in some old blue ripped jeans, her yellow sneakers, and a yellow floral shirt and decided to take a walk in the woods to clear her mind. Her thoughts were eating away at her as the warm summer air danced through her curls. "I'm gonna be okay . . ." Rowyn told herself. Casper soon came into view and brushed his shadowy hand with hers. "I-I'll be okay . . . in time. I can do this . . ." But deep down she knew she couldn't, but she would try.

For Peter, Susan, Edmund, Lucy, and Adeline . . . she would try. She would try to be strong and live the lives that they were robbed of. Even though she was confident she couldn't do it, she would try.

To whatever end.