A/N: Self Introduction

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I AM ADDING A TRIGGER WARNING. FEEL FREE TO NOT READ THIS. TW IS FOR DOMESTIC EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NESR PHYSICAL. AS WELL AS MENTLA HEALTH CONDITIONS.

Hi all, I know this isn't what you want, but I want you all to know me better.

My name is Sianie, I'm 21 and I live in the UK.

Oh, and I have generalised anxiety and emetophobia (fear of vomit, yes it's pathetic, I know, but I can't help it).

I wanted to let you all know why my updates have been patchy the last three years.

I was in a relationship with this guy. I thought he was the best thing in the world. Love of my life. Thought we would get married. He thought it was weird I wrote fanfiction, but didn't judge too harshly.

Two years in, he changed. He became emotionally manipulative, we argued a lot. I'd dismissed it as he was busy from work and I was aggy from university and working.

Late January this year after, three weeks before our 3rd anniversary, he went on a night out, my parents were ill with now suspected corona (before it was widely known) so I stayed at home to look after them. That night, he nearly cheated on me.

He nearly went home with a girl so he could have the chance to have sex. All because it wasn't working out between us in that department.

This same night, he nearly hit me. Nearly physically assaulted the woman he claimed was the love of his life.

He ignored my existence for a week whilst I was unwell with suspected corona, leading to me not only having a major deadline that week, but also an emotional breakdown due to the stress.

We talked it out when I was better.

I forgave him. Couples go through these hardships, right?

Not all of them. And they never end well.

March 23rd, the UK went into lockdown. He tried to force me to move away from my home, my safe space, to his where I would inevitably be used as baby sitter and teacher to his younger siblings. I refused, he flew off the handle, he tried to manipulate me into going by saying that I would my parents, because they're in their 50s. He used the potential and unlikely death of my own fucking family to get me to live with him.

So I ended it.

Two days after I turned 21, a week after I had lost my guinea pig at age 6, my baby, I was left in the world feeling alone and broken.

But that day changed my life for the good.

Friday the 27th of March, my true friends showed themselves to me.

These were my friends from work and college who had never known me without him.

That Friday, they organised a game night so we could play games together (online of course), and let me cry down the phone to them. Listening to me vent. Listening to my broken heart.

None of them judged.

None of them told me to stop.

They offered me love, happiness, and they wanted to hold me.

My work husband, who shall remain nameless, immediately wanted to go to my ex and scream at him how much he hurt me. He wanted to, and still does, protect me from my ex. He looks out for me more than my ex ever did. He continues to do so.

He showed me true love. He showed me true compassion. All of this came from one of my closest friends. That is true love.

I recently had a really bad day. Me and this guy were at a friend's congratulatory party for her new job and I don't do alcohol infused environments because of my emetophobia. We were also no more than 1 kilometre away from where my ex lives. I was scared. I was petrified. But this guy, this wonderful man, just let me hug him, never left my side, he let me cry if I needed to. He just looked after me. He never left me alone, he made sure our other friends were there if he wasnt, and that night we walked me home safely too, make sure that I felt safe until I got to my front door.

I will say, I'm nearly crying typing this because this is the most openly I have spoken about my previous relationship and this anxiety related incident and this guy's and my other friends' responses. They were fantastic.

These friends showed me I wasn't as alone as I was feeling. They, to this very fucking day, look out for me more than my ex and our shared friends ever could or would.

I had to fight for myself. That wasn't right. I should've had someone beside me to do it. But he wouldn't do it.

These men and women who only know me from work saw the truest side of me, they got to know me truer than many people I know. They met someone who I wanted to always hide. My broken self. My depressed self. My anxious self.

These people damn well kept me on earth when I wanted it to swallow me up.

I cannot repay them for all the love that has been shown to me the last few months, but I can only tell them and show them how much it means by being there for them unconditionally, like they were for me.

I won't let this shit define me. It's only made me stronger.

To my ex - fuck you. You ruined my life, you upset one of my best friends.

I hope you find a cactus to sit on, you prick.

And to you all; I owe an apology.

I am sorry for not updating. I am sorry I have been inconsistent, but I hope this makes you understand why I haven't.

This isn't a cry for help. This isn't a cry for attention.

This is for those of you out there, potentially in similar situations, you can get out of it. You can get through it. You will THRIVE from it.

Keep looking after yourselves, stay safe, wear your fucking masks, and be kind to each other.

Thank you for reading, if you did.

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