Not Even Death

Bigger than Us

"Was that Organa's kid?" I ask entering the common room.

Chopper beeps and chirps as he runs off following the transmission. Pestering Ezra and Sabine when they disappear for alone time has become his new favorite hobby. At least it keeps them out of trouble.

"They need pilots," Hera explains, "and they've got great taste."

"I see... but you're not considering it though. Are you?"

I can sense the tension swirling across Hera. "Why do you say it like that?"

"You can't even fit in a fighter in this condition! Not to mention the baby's safety," I try to reason. "Why is this even an option?"

"I won't go until the baby's old enough, but I've just..." Hera seems to trip over her words. "I just feel useless here. I need to be out there — flying."

Free. That's what she means. Does Hera feel trapped here with me? We've flown through the darkest pits together, but were we never meant to sit by each other's side?

"You're — you're not happy with me?"

I try to hide my face, but I'm not a great judge on angles these days. Hera probably caught the pain in my voice anyway.

She grabs my hands. "Kanan, this isn't about us. This is bigger, and you used to see that."

"Maybe, but I thought that when we became a family that we stopped making decisions without the other person." I let my hands drop to my sides.

Hera scoffs. "That's funny coming from the guy that threw himself into a fire and made me believe he was dead for weeks!"

"That was different!" I protest.

"Because it was you taking the risk," Hera's voice grows in volume and emotion. "Because it was the Jedi thing to do. Because it's fine if I have to live in a world without you, but karabast forbid that you might lose me!"

I wince. "I — Look, I'm sorry, but you're right. I can't bear the thought of losing you." I hold her face gently, and I can feel hot, angry tears. "I'm not as strong as you."

Hera doesn't answer right away. I can feel my heartbeat in my chest as it counts off the empty space.

Finally, "I really can't believe that's the problem, love." Her voice is quiet and shaky from the tears, "The problem is that you don't trust me, and I don't know when that started."

*

I wake up in the night. I should be in the nursery; though, Sabine would kill me if she knew I was in there before the shower. Which doesn't quite make sense to me, but whatever.

The air is different now. I don't feel the dry, cycled air of the Ghost or smell the metallic hint of machinery. I'm hot and sweating profusely. This air is damp and filled with the lush aromas of foliage.

"Kanan Jarrus, Jedi Knight." There's no mistaking that voice.

"Master Yoda," I respond. "Where am I?"

"Asleep you are. In your mind, we journey," but that's not very helpful.

"If I'm in my own mind, why can't I see?"

"Afraid, you are," his raspy voice breathes warning.

"I'm not afraid!"