Oops...I Did It Again

Cloudy With A Chance Of Flying Frying Pans

The young hacker, nominated by his own mother, was contract number five I think. Even though he was an ambitious young man, he was very lazy. Even lazier than me and trust me, if I say that if there was a competition for the laziest person on the world I'd place forth because I wouldn't want to get up on the podium. He was living in the suburbs of LA in what would barely qualify as a house. I mean, yes, it had four outer walls and a roof but that looked like it would collapse any minute.

And don't get me started on the inside. He didn't really care if there was anything lying around. All his time was spent either at the computer doing god knows what, in bed sleeping alone (I don't think he ever had a girlfriend in his entire short life) or in the kitchen making the unhealthiest meals you could think of. He never left his house, no, not even to get groceries or anything else. He used a delivery service every time he needed anything. That was my chance to get to know him a little better. I started an undercover mission and applied for a job at said delivery service where I was hired without the owner even properly looking at my fake CV.

The hacker, Justin for this story, got his delivery every day around four in the afternoon and another at seven. Every second day another one at eleven in the morning. He was very rude once he opened the door to basically rip the bag out of my hand and I decided that I wanted something very special to silence him. The weapon of choice was a piece of metal string to choke him.

I already knew how I wanted to kill him but I still needed a plan as to how I would get the job done. When I worked for the company he ordered from I eventually started checking out the "house" to find a variety of entry points. There were a couple of windows I could get in trough but they were right in line of view for the neighbours and I didn't wanted to risk getting caught because I took the easy way. I could've used the front door and surprise him, force him inside the house and do it right there but there was a chance that he'd be stronger than me even if he wasn't prepared for this which I very much hoped he wasn't. Then I remembered that he owned a garage with a small window. Stupid old me didn't think it could be a good idea to have a look at the window to see that it was not just small but actually tiny. As in tiny like maybe with a lot of wiggling and some lube it's possible to get in. But well I didn't check and therefore I was in for a nice surprise once the time came.

My first try was, as usual, a masterpiece of failing. It was around 10pm and quite dark already and I was determined to finish the job that night. I used the darkness present on his property to sneak around to the back of the garage where the window was located. Once I saw my way in I tried opening the one of the two glass panels with a screwdriver I brought with me. This proved to be rather difficult as the hinges where quite rusty and didn't want to move. After a little gentle and a lot of violent persuasion from my feet I was able to get a stinging pain in my right foot and an open entrance. Damn, that really hurt. The next step was to get into the garage and that wasn't any less painful. If I'd done proper research this would have been way easier. I would have broad proper equipment and a better outfit. But no I was busy catching up on my favourite TV Show. Too late was all I could think of. Standing in front the open window I was wondering what the best way to get in was. Head first? Feet first? Sideways? Front flip? Backflip? I eventually decided for head first. Don't ask why, I don't know. In hindsight it was one of my many stupid ideas and as usual I was going to regret this choice soon. Another bad idea was going in head first without peaking inside to see what was beneath the window. Spoiler: it's something that causes bruising and pain. It was a fuel tank. I wiggled my way through that little opening and came crashing down as gracefully as a drunk moose. The moment my head and later my body made contact with the tank there was a dull noise that echoed in the almost empty garage. I was seeing stars and felt bees buzzing in my head but I had to pull myself and the bees together to continue my mission. The garage was filled with, obviously, the fuel tank probably for the central heating, a motorbike, a washing machine and some rubbish. Despite the darkness inside the remodelled storage room I could tell these things were there because I bumped into each and every thing and that was no fun. I was covered in bruises and scratches on every possible area on my body and everything hurt. I could barely move but had to keep going. After some more intimate contact with the furniture and other stored items I finally found the door that lead me into the rest of the house. When I entered there wasn't any light to be seen. I looked around and what I found was... well nothing. I found nothing. Justin wasn't there. Every single night he was there. And the only time that I needed him to really be there he wasn't. He could have gone out any other night but the night of his supposed death he couldn't say inside the house. To me that seemed like a very bad joke but I had only two choices: I could either stay and wait for Justin not knowing if he would return any time soon or I could leave and come back another time when I would be sure that he was home. I chose option number two and awkwardly climbed out the way I came in. I was defeated and felt like a joke but it was of no use. I failed and there was nothing I could do to change that.

A few days later I did some more preparation and waited near his house for a few hours and once I was sure that he had to be home. When I started a second attempt it was really dark and no one was out on the street. Like the first time I made my way back to the little window. Luckily for me I didn't have to work that hard to open it again. I used the screwdriver again to lift the panel so I could open it with my fingers which I eventually succeeded at. Being smarter than before, at least I originally thought so, I remembered to climb in feet first to prevent falling in like last time. Yeah, I thought it wouldn't happen and to be honest I didn't fall in like last time. I fell in different. When I had my feet on the ledge I somehow I slipped. So I fell in even less gracefully than the first time. I never thought that was possible but here we are. I came crashing down on the fuel tank once more denting it in quite a bit. I probably don't have to tell you what kind of noise that must have made. All I could do was hope that he somehow didn't hear it which, in all honesty, was very unlikely. I made my way through the door into the house again and started looking around. And once more I found no one. Did I fall asleep for a few minutes and he left? No, I'm sure he was home. I needed to find him so I took another round.

When I entered the kitchen I heard a noise and before I could react he came out of the darkness and started attacking me. We started fighting and tumbling through the house. No surface was safe and nothing stayed the way it was. Books fell out of shelfs onto us when we crashed into them. Cutlery that was lying on the kitchen table now lay on the floor after he threw me over it. I pushed him away from me and into the stove. Justin was confused for a few seconds and I used this moment to run out the door. So far I was failing again at killing him and it didn't look like that was going to change any time soon. I could hear Justin running after me but this chase found a rather quick end when a frying pan came crushing down on his head leaving a "tiny" hole where it kissed the skull. Now you might wonder why there are flying frying pans in LA that randomly start attacking people. Please don't worry that pan wasn't randomly flying around, it was flying because the house exploded. Yup, it just exploded so no need to cancel your holiday plans. The weather forecast will not warn you from flying kitchen utensils. I simply damaged the gas tank enough to put a little hole into it where the gas leaked out and somehow blew everything up.

I promise you I was just as surprised as you arenow but I finished the job and that was all that mat