Stronger || PJM

Ch22: Life Moves On

Jimin hates himself.

For the first time in his life he hates himself to the point that he wants to break his other leg out of anger. He has been quite enraged ever since leaving the hospital on crutches. By the time he was finally home, it was morning already and his brother was getting ready for school while his step-mom stood in the kitchen preparing breakfast.

Her face fell once he walked in with a cast on his leg, and she seemed too worried to not notice Lee who walked close to him the entire time till he reached his bedroom in case he lost balance (he still had not gotten the hang of using those crutches). Jimin had dismissed his step-mom without explaining anything, and she stopped asking as she did not want to pressure him into talking it out.

Lee asked him if he needed anything one last time, then ruffled his hair (which was an affectionate gesture that took Jimin by surprise, but he knew she was only doing it because she found him pitiful, if not pathetic) and left, and he's been laying in bed ever since, ready to skin someone alive.

Jihyun walked in twice to stare blankly at his brother then walk out again, and the third time he walked in he gave Jimin a quick kiss on the forehead before running off to school. It was another simple gesture that simmered him down a little.

A few hours have passed when a knock makes its way to Jimin's ear, and he averts his gaze to the bedroom door as it opens slowly, revealing his step-mom with her eyebrows together in concern.

"Do I get you something to eat?" She asks softly, her eyes falling on his broken leg and softening even more- if possible.

"No, I'm good," He replies.

She does not say anything, and by the look on her face, Jimin can tell she is contemplating whether she should say what is on her mind or not. He lets her be until she speaks up after a few seconds of silence.

"Is it okay if we have a talk?" She asks.

Jimin shrugs and she walks in, sitting down on the other bed and going silent for a few more seconds.

"Does it hurt?" She asks.

Jimin rolls his eyes, and he takes in a deep breath so he does not lash out on her; he knows her intentions are pure.

"Can you just get straight to the point?" He asks through gritted teeth.

"I know you're upset," She says.

"You have no idea."

"It's because of the competition, isn't it?" She says, "It's tomorrow night."

Jimin looks at her surprised as to how she remembered, but she shrugs it off anyway and stares somewhere else.

"It's not the end of the world, dear."

"You don't understand."

"You're right, maybe I don't, but what I know is that there's nothing worth making you this maㅡ"

"You really don't get it!" Jimin cuts her off, sitting up and glaring at her. "Do you have any idea how long I've been preparing for this?! Or what it means to me? I've done everything I can so I win this! I didn't learn MMA as a hobby but to keep away Jeongyeon and his stupid minions only because the bullying held me back from so much practice and improvement I could've achieved if it weren't for some bruises. And I couldn't even keep them away! They hurt me even more!"

"Dance is the only thing that makes me feel like mom isn't gone," He stops to take in a breath, his eyes bimmering with tears, and he doesn't know if it's because of frustration or sadness, "It's the only thing that makes me feel like she's still here, somehow. The only thing that assures me of how much she would've been proud of me if she was still here. And I can't stop thinking about how she'd be disappointed in me right now."

By the time Jimin is done, his vision is so blurry from tears that he can't see, but he refuses to let his tears down and instead blinks them away.

"Don't you think she'd be even more upset at how hard you're going on yourself?" She says calmly, "I may not know your mother, but I know enough to be sure when I tell you she would've been more proud that you grew up to be so compassionate, strong-willed and talented. She'd be proud of you for not giving up what you love most, and for wanting nothing but to make her proud. But she wants you happy, Jimin. She wants nothing but to see you happy. I don't know if it matters to you or not, but I want to let you know how proud I am of you. You've been through so much and you've been so strong, and you're a wonderful dancer. I don't need some competition to prove to me how amazing you are, and I know your mother would have felt the same way."

Jimin keeps his lips pursed, continuously fighting back the tears that won't stop building up as he stares down at his lap.

"Life moves on, and happiness isn't measured by the achievements you've made or the trophies on your shelf, but it's staying true to yourself and doing what you love while being surrounded by people who care for you. It's okay to be mad now, but it's not you who you should be mad at. None of this is your fault," She pauses and stands up, walking towards him and gently placing her hand on his hair and caressing it, "I understand you're very upset, but again, it's not the end of the world, and you did well. You did great."

Her eyes fall on the tears that drop on Jimin's lap, and she asks, "Do you want a hug?"

He doesn't reply, and she smiles because she knows his ego wouldn't let him admit that he does want a hug, so she sits down beside him and slowly pulls him in for a hug. Jimin doesn't hug back, but only closes his eyes and lays his head on her chest, letting her engulf him in her warmth as he listens to the steady beats of her heart.

Jimin remembers the last time he let her hug him. He was about nine, and she was pregnant with Jihyun at the time. He remembers being curious and placing his ear on her belly so he hears the baby, and he remembers her warm hands on his back and the smile on her face because it was the first time he hugged her ever since she got married to his dad. He remembers that he fell asleep like this and woke up in her arms, and he remembers pushing her away once he felt that motherly love radiating off her. It made him mad at himself, guilty that he was "replacing his mother".

And as her arms tighten around him and he feels that familiar love again, he realises how ungrateful he had been for so long and snuggles closer in her embrace.

"Can I call you mom?" He asks in a whisper, knowing it's something she has always wanted him to do but he never did.

She blinks away her own tears, and firmly nods. "I'd love to hear that."