Hopelessly Devoted

Chapter 25- Nerves

"How about this one?"

"I mean if you're trying to look like Urkel than I guess you're good."

I pout at my best friend. It's currently Friday afternoon and we're in my room trying to figure out what I'm wearing for Sean and my date tonight. 

Beth and Jackie are sitting against my headboard, watching me model clothes for them. I had decided on calling a council of the gays, as I have no idea how to dress myself. I guess lesbians are exempt from the superior fashion sense, as neither of the girls are being very helpful.

I look down. I'm wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, a plaid shirt, and even suspenders. "Oh my Gosh, you're right..." How did this even happen?

"I still don't understand why we're stressing over this." Jackie points out as she lays in the crook of Beth's arm. "Why can't you just dress like you normally do?"

"Because, Jackie." I start removing the suspenders I don't even remember buying. "This is my first date with the guy despite the fact that we're already DATING!"

"They also have already said 'I Love You'". Beth says with a smile.

"Exactly. So this needs to be perfect."

Jackie shakes her head. "Didn't you just explain why it DOESN'T need to be perfect? The guy doesn't care about the awkward dating part, you've already got him wrapped around your finger. He loves you, I doubt he'll care about what you're wearing."

"Well!" Beth interjects. "I'd bet he wouldn't exactly be indifferent if Luke showed up naked."

My face reddens as the girls laugh at my expense. "Guys! Please. It's important to ME that I look good."

"Luke. If that's all you want then just dress normally. Every outfit you've chosen so far looks worse than what you wear on a daily basis." Beth says.

I huff. These girls are no help at all! I already can't believe Sean thinks that he loves me, I don't want to do anything that will make him realize how silly this all is. I need to give him something good to look at so that he doesn't notice how weird and unattractive I am.

"Where is he taking you anyway?"

"I don't know. All he told me was to dress up." That's truly all I knew. I'd been pestering him nonstop for the past couple of days, but all he'd tell me was that it was a surprise and that I'd love it. How descriptive, I know.

"In that case, just wear a button up and some khakis and you'll be good." Jackie states.

I sigh. "But I don't wanna be just good. I need Sean to love it."

"Luke. The guy has already marked you to high hell. You're his and he's yours. Stop stressing and start being happy!" Beth shouts exasperated.

I blush. "Ok! Fine! Jeez you guys are seriously no good at fashion, by the way."

"You're the gay one Luka." Beth smirks. "It's your job to be all over this crap. Our job is to kick the straights' asses at softball."

We spend the next hour or so chatting about random stuff. My Father is currently away in Akron visiting his brother, and it's nice not having to censor our conversation in fear of him hearing. Believe it or not, he has no idea that Beth and Jackie are dating. I know, impossible, right? But, somehow the girls have been able to fit beside me in the closet.

The girls are very open at school, that's no secret. They have no problem being themselves and they don't care what people say about them. The only reason they tone it down near my Father is, sadly, because of me. 

It's never been discussed in our group, but we all know my Father would never let me hang out with my girls if he knew they were gay. I'd grown up learning about how you can "catch the f*g" by hanging around gay people. 

I hate that they have to hide who they are to be with someone as insignificant as me, but I can't ask them to stop either. Elizabeth has been a part of my life ever since I could remember, and I don't want to imagine a world without Jaqueline. Before Sean started to notice me, these girls were probably the only two people that cared if I lived or died.

I know what you're thinking, "What about your dad? He cares, right?" In some ways, he does care. He wants me to get good grades, go to college, become a fancy science man, get married, have two little toe-headed kids, buy a house in the suburbs, and die in anonymity. But the fact of the matter is that the person he thinks I am, the person he cares about, isn't me. I want to go to school and study music, not biology. I want to move to LA or New York, not Normalsville, USA. I'm not a big, strong, warrior like him. In fact, I'm not even 5 feet tall! 

And, most importantly, I like to kiss boys and not girls.

That last fact along means that he doesn't care about me. He's made his opinion on homosexual very clear, and whether he knows it or not, that includes me. Whether he knows it or not, I am never going to be his son.

The reason I need this date to go well is pretty simple: I can't afford to lose Sean. I've never been lucky when it comes to relationships, platonic or romantic. Heck, I just proved that, other than my mom, only two people in the last 18 years have managed to care about me. Sean has spoiled me with the feeling of having someone truly love me, and I don't know if I can go back.

Sean is my everything. He has been for the last four years. He's the love of my life. I know it seems stupid, after all, I'm just a teen boy who can't possibly know what love is. Despite that, I truly can see myself growing old with him.

Even if whatever we're doing isn't long term, I know it'll be worth it. I'm eventually going to have to come out to my father, and it'll be easier with someone by my side. It'll be nice to stop feeling so cripplingly lonely whenever Elizabeth and Jaqueline are hugging and kissing and being all cute together. It'll be nice to occasionally have someone hold me as I fall asleep instead of my using my comforter as a body pillow.

Most of all, it'll be nice to finally be able to call Sean mine. I'll get to love him without feeling ashamed of myself. I'll get to hold him and kiss him whenever I want. I can go to his basketball games and cheer like a boyfriend instead of a random acquaintance. I can finally be his.

Oh... and maybe we'll get to do some... "other stuff" as well...

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Ugh.

Sorry about this obvious filler chapter. I know what I'm doing for their date and all, but there's just so much background feeling-crap that I wanted to fill you in on and yeah.

Also, don't know if you can tell this by now, but I suck at conclusions. In essays, in creative writing, I just don't know how to end things. 

I also just didn't feel like writing today. I honestly just wanna curl up in bed and continue this new BXB novel I started on here. (It's called Save My Day and it's SO much better than mine DX)

Anyway, that's all for today. I'll probably post an extra chapter this weekend to makeup for my suckyness today.

If you forgive my stupid, feel free to vote and leave a comment on this chapter.

See y'all later!