Shut Up, Padfoot!

53

My eyes flew open and I awoke with a gasp.

"Shit! Thank god, you're awake," Sirius said.

He smiled down at me but he still had tears running down his face. Blood is smeared everywhere and it's very reminiscent of my past visions. Flicking my gaze from behind him, one of them was missing.

"Where's Wormtail?" I drawled.

"Doesn't matter. Put your hands here, push really hard. You've gotta stop bleeding," he ordered.

I focused my gaze back on him. The crowd kept going on. It feels like none of them are aware of what is happening. Since the moment I woke up, I didn't feel anything. Then the pain came back. It struck hard and I whined out.

"Padfoot, it hurts," I cried.

"I know, I know. Just hold on, please. Hold on, okay?"

Remus had his own hands pushing into my wound. Horror plastered all over his face. The shock ran so deep that I'm sure he's on autopilot. I know he doesn't really know what's going on.

I remembered the scene in my head when I was blacked out. The beach, the sunset, the sand under me. Everything that was said.

The reality hit.

This is it.

"Padfoot, stop," I demanded.

He looked into my eyes and denial set in quickly. He knew what I was going to do and he hated me for it. He didn't want me to say it, he didn't want it to happen.

"What?" he faltered despite knowing.

"Siri, please stop. I can't- just stop," I repeated.

"No, you're not going to die."

I brought my hand up to his face. The slick of my blood pressed to his cheek as I held him. His salty tears mixed with the red as they trickled down my wrist. I swallowed back the lump in my throat.

I coughed up more blood and Moony's head whipped to me. He pushed harder into my side and I grit my teeth to hold onto the cry that begged to be let out.

"Baby, look at me. Just look at me and listen, okay?" I asked.

"Cry..." he breathed out.

Our foreheads touched and I peered at him. He bit his lip to stop his sobs from letting on so much. The pain I've given him...

"This doesn't hurt anymore. It's okay. I'm okay," I began.

He squeezed his eyes shut. I swiped the hair in his eyes away, tucking it outwards. I softly reminded, "Look at me, love."

His grey eyes thundered when I could finally see them again. Our years of rainstorms behind his pupils. Grey forests of downpour.

"I love you. I love you so much. I'll always be with you. But I want you- I want you to let me go," I continued.

"No, no, I don't want to," he whimpered.

"You have to. You need to let go," I argued.

He shook his head and a sob fell from his mouth. I leaned up and kissed him quickly, comforting him.

Memories of Padfoot and I resurfaced. Times when I pressed the cigarette to his lips and kissed him right after. The taste of tobacco and the smell of the smoke wafting around our mouths.

Dancing in the common room with our fluffy socks on. Laughing until we can't stand anymore. Then sitting in front of the fire until one of us falls asleep first.

Holding the cusp of his neck in the dark. Letting the candle flicker on his nightstand as his finger runs down my spine. And leaving marks along his skin.

I love him.

As my blood drips into the train tracks, I fight the urge to sleep just a little longer. I winched when I held him in my arms, trying to ignore it because his happiness is much more important than my pain.

"This is the end of our moment, Sirius," I whispered.

He shuddered and his tongue swiped across his lips. His arm came up and I pushed it back down when I realized what he was going to do.

"Don't look at your watch. Don't," I pleaded.

"Cry, what am I going to do?" he begged.

"You're going to be happy. Graduate next year, get a job. Go to the beach. Fall in love again. I may be dying but it does not mean you are. You've got decades," I said.

"That's nothing without you," he sobbed.

"Just tell me you love me, please," I asked.

Our lips touched again. He kissed me sloppily. He shook like crazy and I'm barely holding on right now. Running my hand through his hair, I kissed him back.

I've gone numb now. Maybe this means I really am going. Maybe this is a good thing. Because in the end he'll find true happiness. He'll live a long life with the rest of them. He'll have kids and he'll love them so much.

Cry Phoenix will be just a painful memory.

We parted and I smiled to stop him from feeling so upset. My world is ending and I'm losing him. Nothing can trump that. I'm not even thinking about my death. I'm thinking about the pain of losing him.

"I love you. I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you. I'll always love you," he cried.

"Sirius..." I softly called.

"Fuck.. please don't go."

"I'm here, I'm here. Just love me now and it'll be okay. Go to school and have fun with them. Don't spend your days thinking about me. Don't cry over me. And don't look for me in my next life," I added.

"You say that like it'll be easy," he spluttered.

"It's not. But it will be with time," I responded.

I scanned his face again. This is the last thing I'll see. And I'm glad it's him. I'm glad he's been the one and only. My life was hard but he was always my constant. Nobody could ever compare to him.

To the love of my life.

"I love you, Cry."

end of part one.

-lana