t w e n t y • s i x

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ミ★
twenty-six
❝consequential dynamics❞
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ミ★ twenty-six❝consequential dynamics❞━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

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It has been four days since I professed my love to my boyfriend, but given that each day with Taehyung seems to write a new and entirely different chapter of my life, I couldn't quite predict what would happen to our relationship after love was brought into the mix.

When I had acknowledged that everything was now different between us, I suppose that somewhere deep down I had expected the intensity of our bond to dissipate since the climax was reached; I thought that maybe these butterflies would finally settle down due to the lack of anticipation when I'm around him, or thinking about him, but no—instead, they are more unsettled and overwhelmed.

Taehyung has been on my mind almost all hours of the day and night. In the few hours I was able to sleep this weekend, he somehow was blissfully part of every wild fantasy I conjured up in my slumber. It's as if finally unveiling our feelings had connected me to him not only physically in our natural realm, but mentally in our spiritual realm; the realm where I hold my paintbrush and he is my canvas. . .

These unsettled butterflies grow bigger and stronger as each day passes. I find myself constantly imagining a perfect life with him: a life away from my old life. This life I dream of is one where I am always and persistently myself. This is the version of the girl I thought I knew, but now have become. She isn't a stranger to me anymore. Being with Taehyung, professing my love for him and getting the same in return, has elevated me to a whole me. A me who is capable of love. . . to be loved. . . truly loved.

My lonesome weekend in my dorm did not feel lonely; Taehyung has been acting a bit distant since our physical and mental intimacy on Thursday. Although we have texted one another a few times, I know that he is being distant for a reason. I try not to overthink it. . .

When I close my eyes and fist my sheets beneath me. . . there is no darkness. It settles away like a lullaby playing under pounds of other sheets a million years away. If I'm with him, I'm not scared to acknowledge the depth of my subconscious. He is there to save me. He is there because he sees me—not the me who I was pretending to be. It's right. We're right. I've decided what is right for me.

Knowing that my emotional connection to Taehyung goes beyond not just my own mind, but his as well, means I do not have to fear my subconscious anymore.

I think I can trust her.

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