Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Storm of Light

Title: Storm of Light

Author: StrikingSorrows

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

There are lots of really great things happening in your summary! I think the repetition you employ was very effective, emphasising how monotonous her life was and how everything was the 'same'. Overall, your summary is very engaging, very cohesive and does ask really good questions – what is the argument? Why did she run? And I think those are fantastic, so well done! You also very subtly show that she's a wolf, with the pack, and I commend you for that.

However, I do feel like it's a touch too vague – especially that last paragraph. What path must she follow? What pain is she facing? What is the conflict? What on the path could break her, and why could it do that? As the reader, what will we actually be reading about? Also, you have a slight tense change – most of it is in past tense, but then you say there's a path she must follow, where there's = there is = present tense. I suggest revising that.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your story was pretty polished, so very well done! There were just a few things I caught within your story, but don't worry, I'll go through some examples.

First of all, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Everything's fine", Lightning said.

It should be:

"Everything's fine," Lightning said.

Next, watch out for tenses. You're mostly in past tense, but there was a sentence or two that travelled forward in time and told the story in present tense. For example, here are two sentences, side by side, from your story:

Her fur flashed in the sunlight as she knocked Night over. [flashed, knocked = past tense]

It's been six months since their birth... [it's = it has = present tense]

You need to revise and make sure you keep your tenses consistent.

Next, speaking of tenses, here's another tense that needs polishing:

Grass had ran away screaming...

Because the 'had' is already in past tense, it should actually be:

Grass had run away screaming...

Also, watch out for spelling errors such as:

"I might have if you guys didn't brage in and fill..."

I think you meant 'barge' in. And another thing I caught:

"Somethings never change."

In this case, you're talking about how certain things don't change. It should actually be:

"Some things never change." 

Characterisation: 3/5