How Not to Vampire - Season 1

16. Run, Run, Here Comes the Sun

Pro-tip for Vampires #8: most things that kill vampires also work on humans. Most things...

The sun came up in the same way as it always does, which is to say slow as fuck, or glacially if you prefer a more poetic description. Waiting in the courtyard of the apartment building for this truly non-cinematic sunrise was a newly-minted vampire (me) and the guy who apparently should have been the real vampire, my best friend (Claude). Claude held a fire extinguisher, while I posed dramatically with one hand in the direction of the rising sun, half-expecting to turn into dust or burst into flames at any moment. It was a terrible time to be atheist since I didn't have any kind of god to pray to or even swear at.

As much as I was purposely and aggressively poking fate in the eye, neither of those things happened and continued to fail to happen.

I grinned excitedly at the visibly nervous Claude and gave him the double thumbs-up.

"I'm okay!" I said, grinning like a maniac. "This is fine! Beatrice was just yanking my chain. Nothing is happening! Look ma: no flames!"

Claude waggled the primed and loaded fire extinguisher that was aimed right at my face just in-case me not being on fire stopped being a thing. "Nothing at all?" Claude asked.

"Well, I can feel a slight tingle, like goosebumps, but I'm good! This vampire thing is going to be easier than I thought!"

If you've never sat up to experience the sunrise, then you have no idea just how long it takes. It's not like in the movies where outside is pitch black and then the sun pops up over the horizon, blasting the land with enough light to incinerate any vampires who were dramatically posing at that critical moment after the hero of the story had uttered some pithy catchphrase. It takes much, much longer than that. It's a gradual thing where the sky slowly brightens, the shadows retreating, revealing more and more, until you can clearly see every detail. If you happen to be in the courtyard of an apartment building like mine, you don't even get to see the actual sun for a while as the sky goes from black, to murky purple before making its way to a deep blue.

A line of sunlight slowly widened and made its way down the buildings across the courtyard. It would eventually take over most of the courtyard, but not until around 10 AM.

I laughed like a maniac and did the standard issue Canadian dance-of-joy before I turned said grin on Claude. "Do you know what this means?"

Claude steadied the fire extinguisher and glanced at the slowly spreading sunlight."That you're forming a conclusion without complete evidence?"

"Are you kidding?" I laughed. "Look at me."

"You're still in the shadows, dude, that's hardly conclusive—"

"Seriously? It's daylight, and I haven't turned into dust. That's not conclusive enough for you? You're the one who insisted on being cautious and not doing this on the roof—"

"You wanted to strip down naked—"

"Go bold or go home!"

"Oh my god, after twenty years I finally realise that you are a complete idiot."

"Nothing you can say is going to ruin this moment for me! Nothing! ARGH!"

The 'argh!' was the result of the sun choosing that exact moment to hit a window that happened to be perfectly angled to hit me right in the eyes. There was a flash of light and pain, my vision going white from the intensity, and I staggered blindly, blinking rapidly.

"I'm blind! Fuuuuuuck!"

"Dude, you okay?" Claude asked cautiously.

"Am I on fire?" I asked, as the goosebumps spread. The tingles were everywhere, even the soles of my feet. I risked opening my eyes, and Claude slowly faded into view from a field of white as my eyes adjusted.