nina cried power [SPENCER REID]

twenty.

CHAPTER TWENTY:
MY STRANGE ADDICTION

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"I just looked in," Hotch says as he enters the waiting room, and Morgan and Reid look up at him. He gives a firm nod, lips pressed together. "She's awake."

Spencer's on his feet in an instant, without hesitation, without thinking. Thinking time's done. He did plenty of that while Nina was in surgery. Now he wants to see her, wants to -- well, apologise? Or interrogate? Or just take whatever anger she has to give? He doesn't know. But he has to see her.

He's scared to examine his motives too much, scared to see what secrets will come leaking out. But he thinks he feels guilty -- or at least part of him does. Nina thinks he's a liar, thinks that what he said in the car was all just a trick, and a part of him is desperate to explain that no, it wasn't some facade, and no, he isn't a liar.

But Hotch seizes his shoulders, fisting his fingers in Spencer's shirt, and before he can make it one step past Hotch he's being shoved back into the waiting room, almost bumping into Morgan, who rose after him. Barely flicking his eyes from his destination: the closed door down the hall behind which Nina waits, Spencer tries to push past, but Hotch has strengthened his feet and shoves him back once more.

"Emily is handling it," he stresses.

"Hotch--"

"Sit down!"

Spencer doesn't, but he gives up on trying to get past his boss, before heaving out defeatedly, "Hotch, you and I both know that Nina will talk to me much sooner than she will talk to Prentiss -- she won't talk to anybody but me, and frankly, Emily shouldn't be left alone in a room with her--"

"What the hell are you talking about, Reid?" Hotch cuts in, and stares at him with flaming eyes, hands still gripping Spencer by his shirt, still blood-stained.

Realising he hadn't taken a breath at all since the news of her waking up had come, Spencer inhales sharply and grasps Hotch's wrists as he blinks and shakes his head to clear his mind. "I spent two hours with her, Hotch, and I'm not doubting Emily's intelligence or abilities at her job -- but she -- she... she fucks with your head, Hotch."

Aaron Hotchner flinches at Spencer's swearing, and for some reason, such an uncharacteristic movement snaps Spencer out of his desperation. Swallowing against a closed up throat, he tries to find more words.

"I shot her, Hotch," is all he croaks. He doesn't realise that those are the words he's speaking, until he hears them in his own voice. "I just want to... I don't know." Huh. Spencer Reid. Not knowing something. It almost makes himself laugh before he repeats in a small voice, "I don't know."