Worlds Away

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Nightmare

Lisa and I talked about the night that was most of my dreams were consumed with. To be fair it always started out okay then all of a sudden it was reliving the past but it was different. The dream would become a nightmare and it was hard waking up beside Jack. Jack had learned to sleep like a hurricane was coming in and nothing could really wake up. When the nightmares came which was regularly I will place my head against his chest and look down at our feet all close together. I will listen to his steady heartbeat and know it's just a bad dream. No matter how much the bad dream almost became a reality.

Alex had told me one day during an outing with Harrison that Jack had alcohol poisoning after a show. Alex said it was ugly because while Jack was completely gone he still was mumbling. Jack was the happiest drunk I knew. While Jack didn't often get super hammered around me there were a few occasions. Alex told me how he found his best friend clammy and cold on the bathroom floor crying. Saying he fucked up and would never know his child. He wanted to die. He wanted to leave the world he felt it was the best way to get rid of the never-ending guilt. Alex told me during one of the good waves Jack and I had.

After the conversation though I became weary of Jack. While I didn't mean it in the sense of how I said it. We argued one night and I told Jack I couldn't be with someone who wanted to die. We had a son to care about and for. I needed someone who no matter what was going to be there for Harrison I didn't want someone having to with two parents who couldn't handle their own mental health. Harrison deserved to have two parents who were put together.

This made Jack angry not just at me but at Alex. Alex tried to tell me it wasn't my fault it was his because I deserved to know that Jack had attempted to kill himself. I need to watch Jack because Alex couldn't afford to get close to another person just to lose them. Which my mind light up and fire with all kinds of questions about how Alex and I ever became close. I was known to be a runner. I ran away from my problems and in a polite term, I didn't want to belong on the earth. But looking into those green eyes of the redhead child I found a place.

I currently sat in Harrison's room. Lisa had left for the rest of the night after practice had ended. Jack and I had eaten dinner. Harrison was bathed and was ready for bed. Well, he was asleep for about three hours. As for myself, I was asleep for about two. Jack was still sound asleep in our room. I couldn't stare at our toes anymore. I could listen to his heartbeat but I felt fearful. I felt this fear of telling Jack everything I had told Lisa. I was incredibly happy for Ryleigh and Zack. They were going to be fantastic parents. Jack grew up with siblings and I did briefly. I looked at Harrison wondering if he'd even want to be a big brother. Would Jack want another child?

"Baby?" Jack said half awake coming into Harrison's room.

I looked up at him in the darkroom as he gave me a half-awake grin. Jack was perfect and he made my heart melt just by giving me a goofy grin.

"Something wrong with Harri?" Jack said stumbling over a few toys I had left out on the floor and swearing.

"He's fine. I just had a nightmare," I whispered the second part.

I rubbed Harrison's back as he laid on my chest. It didn't feel like he would be able to do this much longer with how big he was getting. It was hard to believe in a few months we would have a one-year-old. It felt like yesterday Jack was pushed into the delivery room right before Harrison was born. I remember both our tear-stained cheeks as they placed Harrison on my chest. We didn't know his name. Jack cut the cord while Harrison's screamed were one of the few things filing the room.

"It's okay baby, I understand. I just-" Jax said a little unsure and sounding nervous.

"I know you were afraid something happened to me and you didn't want to find me," I said staring straight at the red hair on Harrison's head.

I kissed his forehead holding him still close to my chest before laying him back in the crib. I looked at Jack opening my arms for a hug which Jack gladly pulled me in. Jack let his arms wrap around me completely and gave me a little squeeze before looking down at me.

"Why don't we go back to bed and talk about it?" Jack said and I nodded as he slipped his arms under my legs picking me up.

I quickly adjusted to being carried by Jack. Jack held me like I was a child. I clung to Jack while he walked us back into the bedroom. Jack stopped to yawn and placed a hand on the doorway of the bedroom acting like he was going to drop me.

"Jack Bas-"

"I won't drop you,"

"I swear to god-"

"You swear to god what?" Jack challenged cheekily before kissing my cheek.

Jack placed me on the bed before crawling over me and throwing himself down beside me. We sat in a bitter silence staring at the ceiling and watching the fan go around. I felt the warm sheets and my hand slowly found Jack's.

"You okay?" Jack spoke turning his head to look at me.

"I had a nightmare. I had a nightmare that you drank too much again. That you didn't love me and that you didn't love Harrison. That I ruined your life and Harrison was a big mistake to you and it hurt. We were fighting and I had left and I came back because I always come back to you. I love you and you were gone in the kitchen you just laid there and you were cold and blue. I couldn't wake you up and I tried-" I began to hyperventilate and cry while Jack quickly sat up.

"Hey, hey. Sh.. sh.." Jack pulled me up and into his chest much like a parent would to a child.

"It's okay Lo, I am not going to let you leave. It's okay. Shh... Lo. I love you. I love you so so so much." Jack kept trying to reassure me.

"Just listen to my heartbeat baby," Jack said softly and brushed some of the hair that was in my face.

He put a hand over my ear so I could listen to the steady pounding a little easier. It was steady and strong. I wrapped my arms around him and I was not about to let go. That is how Jack and I fell asleep. While my arms were released from him so they didn't get pinned below him. I held onto his shirt and to him and he held on to me. It's like we needed each other to be whole. We would always need each other to feel whole.