The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The No-No Square Fiasco

See, Newton's laws can be applied to anything you can think of. For example, as the first law states, objects at rest remain at rest, and objects in motion tend to remain in motion, with the same speed and direction, until an unbalanced force acts upon it. 

In this scenario, Hayden is the object at rest, doing jack shit. Leighlay is the object in motion, being all busybody. I thought I could be the unbalanced force to make them act, as Newton intended. There is only one problem with that: Newton, having died a virgin, never encountered such a huge b. A straight-up c. A potentially deadly z. God, Newton was such a Chad. Never stooped so low as to meddle in earthly affairs. An absolute unit. 

Still, he did leave us another law I can easily apply to defeat self-centered H's like Leighlay, who lives of fame and popularity: Newton's second law. 

In it, the force acting on an object is equal to the mass of said object times their acceleration. Meaning, the more force you apply to an object, and the bigger the mass is, the most inertia it will have. And there is no bigger object around than a queen b's ego.

You see, humans are dumb. Real idiots. Their potential for stupidity is infinite. Since most humans are not famous, they don't have a platform to show their idiocy, besides Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and Snapchat, and oh my god, that's why social media is so popular! Anyhow, the bigger the person's ego is, the bigger they fall. The most famous someone is, the more eyes are on them when they inevitably do something stupid. 

To finish up Queen B, who always chases fame, popularity, and her dreams of becoming a Real Housewife of Hill Valley Mountain Woods Highschool, as most teenage movies in the last 30 years have shown, all I have to do is apply enough force for her to roll around in her own mass. 

"So whatcha talkin' about, babe?" says the cheerleader. "How you gonna have some pretty babies? An Asian baby? Those are cute."

"Super cute," says one of her followers. 

"The cutest, like, omygosh, so adorable!" says the other. 

"Shut the fuck up, Stacey!" says Leighlay. "Baby, I'm so happy you came as bi! Makes me look so progressive. Definitely adding that to my Twitter bio."

This is gonna be easier than I thought. The girl is mental. 

"We are actually talking about how Hayden here likes penis better," I say. "My penis. Right, Hayden?"

I've never seen someone go from brown to red so fast that it blended with their varsity jacket, but I guess there is a first time for anything. His response, as it goes, is to stuff his mouth with a sloppy joe. Smart man. 

"That's, like, super cool and all," she says, squeezing Hayden's arm to the point of turning purple, "but baby loves my vajayjay. You should see him go down on it. Wetter than that sloppy joe."

"Super moist," says her second in command.

"Omg, like, a total WAP," says Stacy. 

"Too much information, Stacey, you idiot!" 

"Yeah, you dillhole!"

Hayden looks at his sandwich, then back at her, then back at the sandwich, dropping it to the tray while covering his ever-red face. "I'm trying to eat. You don't talk WAPs while eating. And now I realize that everything I picked up is a sloppy mess."

This is just working too well. "Here," I say, putting my banana in front of him, "you can eat that. It's long, hard, and peeled. Like you like it."

"Not you too!" says Hayden.

I'm sorry, buddy. It's for your own good. You will thank me later. 

"That's funny," I say, trying to channel my best reality TV heel, "he told me he has never gone down on you, or even like you, while we at it."