Just Another Deal...

As we grow

we talked for what felt like hours and I found that I had smiled a few times. Still I had to ask her to know even if it hurt I had to know why. "Why did you stop talking to me?" I ask her the question I always thought when I saw her.
She smiles a bitter smile and turns away.

"I wanted to be like them, I always wanted how they could just float through life, and how it always felt like I was trudging through mud, struggling to keep pace with all of them. I wanted the wings they had, you could have followed dipper?" She looks at me questioning why I didn't " I thought you would've".

Sighing I can see why she would run away, life was horrible but I always felt as long as we had each other we didn't need them. Maybe if I were alone I would have, maybe if I didn't have Her, I would have crumbled and joined the people there. " I didn't want to become someone I hated, the people that hurt us, made fun of us are the same people you followed and joined.

I saw them for the people they were and couldn't trust that they wouldn't do it again. I can see why you would but that's not me" smiling at her I continue "That's not me Mabel, I could never handle all the fake smiles they'd give. All the lieing" We stay silent the rest of the way home. Both thinking on things we've shared, I can understand her reasoning it doesnt take the sting away but it makes me forgive a little of her actions.

Reaching the shack I suddenly feel myself stumble and feel myself falling. The last thing I hear is Mabel screaming my name.

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Walking into the Grey void I've become so familiar with I look around to see him watching me, "were you watching me?" He looks away and after awhile he mumbles quietly "a little" oh...I sit there stunned for awhile. How do I respond to that, looking away from him I watch the greyscale surrounding forest.

I remember the conversation we had before and sigh. "Bill?" He gives me a little hum, taking it as a yes I continue " what about me could you love? It's a little bitter but I can't understand why. "I like you, but I wanna love you" looking at him to explain he continues. " I have a lot of time to think when your not here, so I thought about what you said. Maybe I don't love you, but I can see myself falling for you, I'm not the best person you could have, but I want to be that person."

He holds his hand out to me and I grab it. He doesn't let go and pulls me away. "I've never really had a purpose, it was always power. I've found that maybe I didn't need it. I've learned that it doesn't always make life better. I found that I enjoyed the light you gave me, it filled me something I didn't understand, you might've done it unconsciously but you reached out this wretched being that I am. I now know that I want to change, already am."

Looking at him I search for the lies, that always follow, look for the deceit that always shows in their eyes. "How can I believe you? I've heard these words all before, so many times they've proven to be fake." I pull my hand out of his "The only person you can trust is yourself, I don't want to fall for these feelings if they wind up being a joke. Mabel used to say the same thing, we made promises to escape and find a better life.yet she abandoned me if I can't even trust her why shouldn't trust you?" Hugging myself I wanna cry.

I often sit a think, of the life we had dreamed. I miss the laughter that fill my memories, and have now become so hollow. I lived and cried, was beaten and mocked. I've known cruelty and been abandoned. It hurts... each time I have no choice but to pick myself up and heal the wounds myself.

The scars they leave feel numb and cold, it's a hard truth and I know I've been denying what's in front of me. I've hated who I was and hated what I had become. I gave up hope and felt I deserved this, deep down I thought I needed the hurt, I needed to feel like I hadn't faded away.
Gave all that they asked and still they wanted more. Became someone I hate and wished I could end it.

I'm ashamed to admit I let it continue, I let the words Pierce me, I became scared of change, scared that if I were to speak up or walk away from all the toxicity.

I'd find that all of what they said was true. I've never had someone like me, like me for me and for them to not have ulterior motives.
"Bill? Is it strange to not know what love is? All my life no ones looked at me and said they love me?" The warm tears pour down my face...it itches. I chuckle and the face he gives me breaks my heart.

The small chips that break off hurts, everytime I denied that it didn't bother me that I didnt hurt. It hurt so much because not so long ago I remember I was happy. It's been so long since I've looked deep within and saw myself. I've gone so long faking everything, that I was fine, that I didnt need to care. Spent so long ignoring myself, that I scarcely know who I am.

I'm scared when I see that look on his face, so long I've seen that face and never was it directed at me. Can I be loved? Can I even love? Its been so long since I've felt that feeling, people are cruel and people lie, I began to push people away, for the very reason Mabel pulled them in, the lies, the hollow fake smiles, that would cut you and tear away at your defences. People are liars and there's no one I could ever trust.

"I've become someone I dont even recognize, I've become someone I wish didn't exist." I break down and fall to the ground as the weight of everything I've held back rushes foreward. "I have thought about it countless times that if I jumped maybe I could fly, that I could be free, that all these chains I have would break" rubbing my eyes hard I continue sitting in this silence.

I dont know how long I sit there crying, but I feel his arms around me, flinching I can't hold it back anymore, I just want it to stop.
" leave me alone!" I start hitting him wanting him to hurt, I hate it , I hate him, hate the lies, hate the world, hate myself. Grabbing my hands I'm forced to look at him again. "Dipper stop" the anger and the sadness wage war inside my mind and I hate it. "I hate this" I say sniffling not able to stop the tears or wipe them away. "I'm here! I'm here and want to stay" pulling my hands I can't escape. "Quit it!! Stop! Your lying!, it cant be true, no one could love me..." I say petulantly.

Who could love this damaged me? "I could, your so much more to me than anything, I wanna know you and wanna be there for you" letting go he hugs me again, I stay there stiffly. " I'm not perfect, I'm not good, if the world burned I wouldn't care, as long as I had you, if you left me I'd take you away and keep you all to myself" he laughs a little "I'm selfish and cruel, demanding and jealous. I know though you wouldn't want that, you wouldn't be happy locked away or kept in a cage. You say you dont know who you are or that you want to be alone, but that's a lie, you crave to have someone and to be loved. I'm the same I dont know who I am, but I know that I want you, want to learn everything about you as I can."

Why? Why does he have to be so kind to me, why does this feel so right, " I dont know Bill, I'm sorry..." I'm so messed up right now and so broken. "We don't have to have all the answers now" he says and I laugh "coming from you, that's... hard to believe" his hug tightens. " we don't know what the future is, we dont know who we are, but if I could do it with you I think we could find the answers. We could share this pain and we could change together" pulling away he looks at me and I see the tears in his eyes. "We dont have to be alone anymore".

Lifting my arms I hug him hard, I dont want to let go, I dont want to leave. "Promise you'll never leave? Promise you'll always be the beside me?" I need this need a yes, need this warmth and kindness....this love.

...

"I promise! You can't leave me either pinetree"
"I promise" we both say as he's hugging me, we sit there in silence and hold each other, fearing if we let go well break.

Haha ok sorry for the long break but here it is, the new chapter, I've made these guys grow up^^, I was crying writing this tbh.... I hope you guys like this chapter and like the growth between dipper and bill, even mabel and dippers relationship has grown some. The beginning was my best shot at a conclusion to Mabel and dippers talk, was it good?